There is no such thing as bad cheese there is only bad people who didn’t eat the cheese fast enough.
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Money was so tight last Xmas I had to sell a kidney for gifts. And this year it’s getting so bad, I may even have to sell one of my own.
WIFE: How could you spend our money on this?
ME: *Dressing ducklings in tiny raincoats* They live outside, Karen. They need this.
I hope my kids love the gifts they receive for Christmas so I’ll have more things to take away when I need to punish them
Leo: *names his child Oscar*
Doctor: “Would you like to hol-”
Leo: “Say it like we rehearsed it.”
Doctor: *sighs* “And the Oscar goes to…”
friend: you can kill ants with a magnifying glass
[later at thanksgiving dinner]
aunt: aww what are you doing with that magnifying glass?
me: i’m gonna beat you to death with it
The Five Sizes of Penises:
1. Small
2. Medium,
3. Large,
4. Oh My God!…and
5. Is that available in white??
Gaslighting one person isn’t enough. I’m scheduling a town hall meeting.
Bananas should have really loud wrappers, like hey, look at me, I’m eating fruit!
Candy should have soft wrappers like, shhhh, I’m a loser.
It’s not karma, you’re just an idiot.
Accidentally ate the sticker on my apple. This wouldn’t have happened if it had been a Snickers.
“I’d like to raise a toast.”
*Cradles bread in arms, accepting this step into motherhood*
Hi I’m an evil ghost with the ability to defy time & space, but I think the best example of my powers will be to slightly close this door.
My walk of shame is going back for a shopping cart after realizing I can’t carry 23 items in my arms through the store.
Tater Tots is a much better name than the original Crispy Potato Embryos.
Hillary Duff is short for Hillarious Dufflebag
[post-apocalypse open mic]
Me: So…how’s everyone’s bone health tonight? Vitamin D & calcium levels looking gooood??
Crowd: *rickets*
Dragged myself to the fridge because I promised myself I’d be productive tonight and god knows the ice cream isn’t gonna eat itself
I can relate to Alice in Wonderland. She just keeps randomly eating and drinking with the hope that it might magically solve her problems.
THEM: are you willing to take a drug test
ME: my name isn’t test but I’m down
This guy gets it.
[couples therapy]
me: she’s always correcting me. I hate it with every fiber of my bean
therapist: did you just say bean
My teen son complained that the house was too cold. I suggested that cleaning his room would warm him up. All of a sudden, he’s not cold.
I only eat chips because I feel that people would judge me if I ate the dip with a spoon
BEACH BODY TIP: if you find a body on the beach call the police immediately, don’t team up with a hilarious old woman from out of town to solve the crime.
“Murder most fowl!” I scream as the cops pull me away from the many duck corpses. They explain I misunderstood Hamlet while arresting me.
My coworker snapped his fingers at me to get my attention.
In related news, hiding a body is not as easy as you think.
So. I didn’t win the lottery again. If this run of bad luck continues much longer, I may have to consider actually buying a ticket one day.
I taught myself how to play the drums and I’m not very good at it. How can I tell if I’m a bad drummer or a bad teacher?