I bought a book on eBay called, ‘How to scam on eBay’.
That was two months ago, and it’s not arrived yet.
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“I can’t do any of this? This is some bullshit.”
Is it solipsistic in here or is it just me?
Thinking of becoming the “where’s my hug” guy in prison.
I sent my wife a card that said, “I DON’T LIKE ANY OF THE BABIES YOU’VE MADE.”
In some societies it’s considered rude to put post-it notes on people’s heads in the doctor’s surgery with your guess what’s wrong with them
I want a fast formal restaurant. Food comes out in two minutes, but they won’t serve you unless you’re wearing a suit with tails. I think this could be a little fun while society breaks down
“Hey! Guess what just popped in my head?!?” — My dying words if I had an aneurysm
My kid just called me by “hey you” and I saw all my other kids and the dogs turn and walk out of the room faster than they’ve ever walked before.
[1st ever peacock to open up his tail]
hey fellas, I dunno what it is, but
i. feel. fantastic.
Why is my life so hard?!!
~Me, trying to open a jar .
I interviewed 300 high achievers about their morning routine, and you will never believe, they all have inherited family wealth.
Remember, you can become haunted by a ghost whenever you want. You’re an adult.
My son is screaming his head off in his room but there’s no way I’m going in there if his monster reports are true.
They say nothing rhymes with orange. I must be pronouncing it wrong.
impressing strangers by telling them i drive a Nissan Easy Bake Oven
What if life is just a big test to see how well we all treat birds?
“I just happen to love birds!” I yell out the window unconvincingly
getting a key tattoo but getting it covered up with a doormat tattoo so no one ever finds it
It’s like my Mom always said FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW:
[party]
me: ugh who invited that guy, he’s so childishher: he’s 7 and it’s his birthday
When the police find my body naked and covered in chocolate, please tell them it was from a wildly kinky one night stand and not that I tripped over my cat on the way to bed with snacks
Before 40: stretch to prevent injury
After 40: injure self during stretching
DOCTOR: What’s the matter?
ME: I don’t know. Sometimes I feel like I’m a bad husband.
DOCTOR: I meant with your wife.
ME: Oh her water broke or something.
If I’m murdered, I hope I’m able to write out the killer’s name in blood and then “sucks” underneath
“Oh, I do like Chinese food!”
-My 6yo, eating chicken fingers & fries from The Imperial Bamboo kid’s menu
[first date]
*Ok don’t let her know you’re a vampire*
“Would you like a mint?”
*reaches in pocket, pulls out SPF 5,000,000,000*
“Dammit”
Him: Every Christmas we have pigs in blankets
Me: What a terrible way to talk about your relatives
Golf is my favorite sport for getting your spouse out of the house for hours on end
MOSES: Cool thinkpiece
GOD: It’s a list of commandments. Not everything is a thinkpiece! Jesus Christ
MOSES: Who?
GOD: Oops, sorry. Spoilers
If by ‘the Hamptons’ you mean ‘my pajamas’, then yes, I absolutely weekend in the Hamptons.
Secret to a successful marriage is to compliment your spouse before discussing tasks and chores