At my interview
Him – what do you make at your current job?
Mostly mistakes and few inappropriate comments
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Not to brag, but my kids just unloaded the entire dishwasher without me asking, or without them noticing that the dishwasher had not been run.
In our house the answer to 🎶who let the dogs out?🎶 is always the toddler at 4am when we’re all alseep because she thinks it’s funny
Pro-Tip: if you check yourself into the asylum you get a bed, good meds and three squares a day without having to do any chores.
her: i only date woke guys
me: [trying to impress] i have insomnia
If your cat is your “child,” I bet its “grandparents” are “sad”
Peach cobbler so good you can’t even taste the cyanide.
Idiots are fun, no wonder every village wants one.
I like to put a banana in each pocket just to confuse people.
I wonder why they don’t like me using the label maker
Science says 99% of dust in your home is flakes of human skin but in my home it’s mostly microscopic potato chip crumbs.
ladies, if a guy…
-remembers your birthday
-knows what you enjoy
-saves your pictures
-harvests your data
-keeps your passwords in plaintextthis guy is not your man.
this guy is mark zuckerberg.
If you turn the ceiling fan on high enough, you don’t have to sweep.
[blind date]
HER: I just want to honestly know what’s in a guy’s heart
ME {trying to impress her}: blood
DATE: I want to date someone that is really into nature
MY BRAIN: say you like hiking
MY MOUTH: I’m planning to go off the grid & move into the mountains to become a forest troll soon
Dr. Dog: Would you be willing to donate your organs?
Patient: Yes.
Dr. Dog: And your bones?
Patient: My bones? Why?
Dr. Dog: (Drools) Just answer the question.
*5 yo on her kindergarten Zoom class*
Teacher: “So what do you do before joining our Zoom class?”
5yo: “My mommy hits me and says ‘do good!”
Me, no make-up, bagel crumbs on my face, unexpectedly joining the Zoom class: “SHE MEANS I HIGH FIVE HER HAND!!!”
The best sandwich I ever had was roast beef and brie at the Museum of Natural History cafe. It’s a memory that gets me through the tough sandwiches.
I just got an email from twitter saying they miss me
Ya I miss me too
Malicious compliance at its best. Reap what you sow.
I have normal fears like everyone else, like spiders and snakes and the fear that someone is gonna inject me with heroin and I’ll immediately become an addict at no fault of my own and end up living on the streets. Ya know, regular stuff.
whenever I feel bad for not wanting to get out of bed I remember it took animals like 150 million years to leave the ocean for the first time and I can relax again, like what’s the rush
Life would be so much simpler if you could just smack the stupid out of people instead having to reason with them.
Him: hey see you around
Me, a flat earther: *eyes narrow* yeah see you ahead
Was just in an elevator with my ex, so I stopped at every floor to show him he was wrong on so many levels.
A journal of my lactose intolerance called Dear Diarrhea.
“Thats a killer dirt bike you’ve got, man!”
*dirt bike holds a knife to your throat*
Believe me…I know.
*books 90 minute massage*
Me: DON’T TOUCH ME. I’m only here for the nap.
What’s the opposite of irony?
Crinkly.
#RubbishJokes #DadJokes