The people naming dinosaurs should teach the people naming hurricanes how to name stuff.
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I will never miss you, because I’m a really good shooter.
At the motel:
Front Desk: And here’s your key card sir ..
Me: I’d like a wakeup call.
FD: You’re 20 lbs. overweight and your fly’s open.
ME: *sits*
BARBER: You’re completely bald.
ME: Just snip the scissors around my ears and gently touch my head for 10 mins, please.
The gym is like church to some people. No matter what they do all week, they think they can erase it with one visit.
Yesterday I drove past a sperm bank that had gone out of business.
I guess that means no one came.
My chakras have been itchy all day but it turns out it was just a dryer sheet.
Tomorrow is the 4th of July which means one thing, it’s going to be a really big day for nail art Instagram photos.
Everyone talks about finding the one that makes their heart skip a beat. Personally I’m not looking to develop a heart problem
Marriage is the leading cause of Irreconcilable Differences.
I’d like to say the best moment of a woman’s life is giving birth, but it’s actually seeing an old nemesis & realizing she got really fat.
Me: Wine isn’t on the food pyramid.
My wife: It’s the moat around it.
Very Cool Person: It’s four-twenty, you know what that means?
Me: Hell yeah [starts shoving blackbirds into a pie]
Magician: Pick a card, any car…
Me: Charizard
Magician: no, like a normal card
Me: Ohhhhh…Snorlax then
OMG! Imagine being in a room with all of your exes!
*imagines room of people playing ps4 and ignoring me*
Honey we’re having guests tonight, break out the fine jina
Flex on your dinner host by excusing yourself mid meal to go take a bath
tree: morning
me: oh hey
tree: yo lemme get a hit of that carbon dioxide bro
me: [exhales on tree]
tree: [leaves all shakin’] ooooh ya baby that’s the stuff
I spoke to my husband earlier
He seemed quite nice
Me: I was watching this great reality show where the husband, wife, and kids were at each other’s throat over everything. It was great drama! Then you interrupted me.
Cop: That was your neighbors mail slot. Hands behind your back.
For fun, I steal my married friends phones & change my name to
‘Brandy from the club’
then repeatedly call them & hang up at 3am.#topahole
The words “casual” and “casualty” have nothing to do with each other, and that’s why I don’t trust the English language
My wife is enjoying the attention I’ve been giving her lately & though painting a phone on her face is inconvenient, it’s saved our marriage
Does anyone know how the lady reacted when Van Gogh gave her his ear? Was it positive? Cause I’m running out of ideas for gifts.
my only hobby is seeing how close i can get to squirrels before they run away
May someone of my non-German mutuals explain German Burger King to me:
I’m an introvert, but my middle finger is an extrovert.
Me: The enemy launched a missile, sir
Sargeant: What’s the point of impact?
Me: Because otherwise there’s no boom, sir
The difference between pizza and love is that when the pizza ends it doesn’t send you subtweets.
The best part about pooping with the door open is seeing the faces of everyone in the elevator.
If you watch an Apple store get robbed, are you an iWitness?