Just bought a new pair of running shoes. Very excited to see how they look on the highest shelf in the closet.
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As per my baby book, I held my head up alone the first day I got home. I may be a lot of things, but I was no soft-necked baby.
my girlfriend is such a good actor haha she likes to pretend like she doesn’t exist and is just apart of my imagination
Old Black men vs. Technology is the most heated rivalry in human history.
I found a voodoo doll covered with pins on my doorstep. Too bad their plan backfired. They used an acupuncture technique and I’m feeling better than ever.
“I got you, babe.”
– kidnappers
I tried so hard and got so far
But in the end, I’d like to add you to my professional networkLinkedIn Park
He rose from mild mannered Social Studies teacher…
To vicious kingpin of a criminal cupcake empire.Coming soon to AMC:
“BAKING BRAD”
me at five am: should i sleep for two hours or stay up
me at now am: Did my coworker just say “email” or “bee jail”. what did the bee do
I don’t want clothes that spark joy. I want clothes in which I can pause in a doorway, look over a shoulder, and utter something devastating before exiting.
I TRY to shoot all of my garbage into outer space, but usually it just lands in my neighbor’s backyard.
when your friend and their shitty ex get back together and you’re just waiting for things to go bad…
Rather than vote, let’s all fill out the 29 dimensions of what we want in a president and let eHarmony decide.
If you hate being single, imagine being with someone who sets 10 alarms to wake up each day and sleeps through every one of them.
People need to stop posting denigrating photo memes of animals; they have dignity and deserve respect. Oh that’s Rick Santorum? Ok carry on.
if you shouldn’t go food shopping when you’re hungry then you should definitely not go clothes shopping when you’re naked. trust me on this.
My cat: Meow
Me: Come here.
My cat: MEOW!
Me: You can’t complain about lack of attention AND not come here. Pick a struggle and stick to it.
Have you ever read a reply so stupid you had to click on the profile to see if the person looks as stupid?
Did you know we only use 10% of our brains?
“Actually that’s a myth-”
This part is useless
*stabs fork in head*
See? Now florble arble guh
*pronounces surface like Versace*
“I trust him as far as I can throw him.”
Oh and we’re supposed to trust you, the guy who THROWS people?
Therapist: We need to discuss why you think the moon is your enemy.
Me: He controls the tides, you know. That’s too much power.
Newscast in the background: “-unprecedented number of tsunamis this year-“
Me: He’s trying to silence me.
“My clothes don’t fit” should be a valid excuse not to go to work.
Parents please check your kids’ Halloween candy. Just found an orca inside of a Hershey bar. Stay safe this Halloween.
Cauliflower has a good publicist.
Him: what does a polar bear weigh?
Me: I don’t know
Him: enough to break the ice, my name’s John.
Me: so’s mine.
*lights dim in restaurant*
DATE: did it just become sexier in here?
ME: I CAN’T SEE MY MENU
I could never be a burglar because my OCD would always have me going straight to the kitchen to front face the labels on their cans.
Despite the newer research, many people are still afraid of sharks. We will call those people “the living.”