2022: I can fix it
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“Snowmageddon”? We can do better, Twitter.
#SnowCountryForOldMen
#ISnowWhatYouDidLastWinter
#SnowMommaFromTheTrain
#Snowverfield
Like shark attacks on humans, it’s actually extremely rare. The majority of antique, porcelain headed dolls aren’t interested in murdering people.
“So, what’s the plan?”
“You walk up and do your whole ‘rawr rawr’ shtick, and I’ll sneak around and grab their sammiches.”
me: it’s okay in my book
5: what book? can I see the book?
me: it’s hypothetical
5: what’s hypothetical mean?
me: well, um, hold on, there’s gotta be a book around here somewhere…
OBGYN : What are you using for birth control?
Me: my personality
Oh you’re an oscillating fan? Name three of their settings
saw a garbage truck with the tagline “our business stinks, but it’s picking up!” pretty good imo.
Babysitting is a way for teenagers to feel like adults while adults go out to feel like teenagers.
these two trucks have the same bed length
Me: Coke please
Server: Sorry we don’t have Coke. Is vodka ok?
Me: Why yes, yes it is
WIFE: Where are you off to?
ME: Shits & giggles.
WIFE: What?
ME: I’m gonna read funny tweets on the toilet.
[first date]
HER: I really like a man who notices things.
ME: [trying to impress] Your eyebrows make you look like an Angry Bird.
Me as a kid: I’m bored.
What my parents heard: “I would like some manual labor please.”
Boss: Ur fired
Me: Why?
[his phone rings & I instinctively drop-kick it out a window]
B: That
Me: My powers?
B: Call it what u want, but yes
You have a better chance of being struck by lightning than going to McDonald’s when the ice cream or shake machine is working
I swallowed an ice cube yesterday and still haven’t pooped it out.
I’m getting really concerned.
Under a bridge, harassing goats. That’s how I troll.
*Middle of dinner*
My kid: Can I have a snack?
Nurse: Do you drink alcohol?
Me: No
Nurse: Do you do drugs?
Me: *sigh* No
Nurse: Do you have a life?
Me: *just starts crying* No, I work in HR.
I bought some Velcro shoes so that nobody can make fun of my velcro wallet anymore because now they will match
*continues eating while receiving the Heimlich*
Got my son a bumper sticker
“Proud Child of a Twitter Dad” …and now he proudly displays it
on the inside of his trunk.
[1st date, don’t let her know you’re a panda]
“Do u mind if I ask how you got the um *gestures at eyes*
These? I..*rubs neck* cage fighting
It’s your choice. Instead of resting bitch face you could call it irritable scowl syndrome.
british twitter be like “oi, you bought a blue tick for 11 pounds innit m8 🤣”
I’ve been introducing myself as Jim The Chosen One ever since I was named milk monitor in grade 6.
A customer service employee on the phone just told me they can’t get me an appointment for the same day as the appointment they canceled, but as a courtesy, they won’t CHARGE ME DOUBLE.
Just tell me those 3 words I am dying to hear:
“The meeting’s cancelled.”
[during sex]
ME: I’m Italian, how about you?
HER: Finnish
ME: Ok sure just give me a second
What is with the people who leave the most random product reviews?!
⭐- – – –
The sales clerk was wearing a red shirt. I don’t like red, especially when it’s cloudy outside. That’s why I gave this air fryer 1 star.