[wife comes out wearing pretty dress]
me: that’s my favorite dress
wife: aww, how swee-
m: take it off
w: but we need to-
m: I wanna wear it
You Might Also Like
ME: *pulling up my pants* What’s the prognosis, Doc?
DOCTOR: You’ve got cancer.
ME: WHAT?!
DOCTOR: Haha. Jk. I’m not a doctor.
Brad Pitt: Doc, did you ever see my movie “Seven” with me and Morgurt Freeman?
Doctor: I think you mean Morgan
Brad: Sorry, Morgurt Morgan
If I lived in Alabama, I’d name my daughter, ‘Banjo-lina”.
A “cup of Joe” has a completely different meaning at the sperm bank
Ok pregnant ladies. Today’s the day!
#LaborDay
One of the kids has started shouting, “speak of the devil!” whenever I walk in the room
If whisky can damage your short term memory, just think what whisky can do.
Why don’t the enemies of the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles just flip them on their backs?
the phone rings. it’s you. it’s always you. i’ve run out of things to say…out of ways to tell you to stop calling. i can’t do this anymore. yet…i answer, knowing you’ll just say the same thing you always say, “i’ve been trying to reach you about your car’s extended warranty”
ignored emails coming back to bite me call that “night of the unread”
Practice self-care like a lighthouse, let your problems crash all around you but avoid it by gazing mindlessly off into the distance.
I’m not upset that you stopped my sneeze. I’m upset because you made my face look stupid for no reason.
Welcome to fatherhood, the only one calling you daddy now is your kids.
Why are they called bangs and not a hangover?
Some say the glass is half empty. Some say it’s half full. I ask “Are you going to finish that?”.
My 7yo was on FaceTime with her bestie before dinner tonight, and kept muting the mic unless she was talking because I’m “embarrassing” so I’ve got that going for me.
dear law students: nothing in the civil rules prohibits yelling out latin phrases like harry potter spells.
Of course, I’m an active listener. I walk away briskly every time you open your mouth.
if you ate peanuts out of those bowls on bars in the 80’s or 90’s you’re a little gross for doing that but you’re also immune to pretty much every virus or disease ever
Wife: You wouldn’t believe the day-
*puts TV remote to my ear*
Hello? Hey Bob-
[hand covering remote]
-sorry honey, I have to take this.
Last night I head banged, lip synced, air guitared and air keyboarded “The Final Countdown” while my teen daughter looked on in horror.
Sorry I’m late but my goldfish needed a bath.
What’s the most ridiculous demand a customer has made of you? I’ll go first: when I was working retail, a woman once demanded I pick her up from her Botox appointment with my car & bring her to the mall to shop
Neighbour said, “Stop using our hot tub while we’re not home!” So I only use it at night while they’re sleeping.
The girl across from me is on the phone to her boyfriend. I regret nodding when she told him she looked terrible.
him: does this pillow feel lumpy
me: [sneaking a handful of shredded cheese out of the pillowcase] seems fine to me
When’s dinner?
-My kids an hour after finishing Thanksgiving dinner
“Donatello choose ur weapon”
“I’ll take a stick”
“Really not a sword? Nunchu..”
“A STICK”
“Ha I guess u wanna wear purple too?”
“…”
“Ugh”
Son: am I adopted?
Me: not yet, but we’re hopeful.