My IQ used to be higher than my weight, but now I’m fat and dumb.
You Might Also Like
wife *comes downstairs* How long has my mom been here?
me: About an hour
wife:
me:
wife *lets her in*
Gecko at McDonald’s crawl through:
I’ll have A Bug Mac, flies & a small snake.
You can’t buy gifts from a sex offender registry. I know this now.
Hate it when a grand piano falls on me and my head pops out of the wreckage and the keys are my teeth. The experience is simply not for me.
My 5yo won a toy from the claw machine, so now I’m going to make him buy me a lottery ticket
[restaurant]
WAITER: here’s your check
ME: can we split it
WAITER: yes of course
DATE: *reaches for card*
ME: no it’s cool me and the waiter got this
Nobody:
My kid: I want my nickname to now be Hot Dogs.
Why are there so many songs about love but none about a turtle chasing you in your kayak
Bought a “Best Moments of 2021” magazine and the pages were blank
Girls want a bad boy to fix.
Boys want a good girl to corrupt.
Me? I just want a rumbustious monkey as a butler.
bathroom attendant: *gives me soap and paper towels*
me: thanks
bathroom attendant: *gestures at basket with dollar bills*
me: oh right *takes $3* thanks!
Me: I’ve got mismatched socks do you think that’s ok
Wife: I don’t think anyone’s gonna notice
Me: I’m gonna tell em
He died doing what he loved.
Taking a french fry off my plate.
my dentist said I needed an implant and I was like damn I know they’re small but that’s a little harsh
My new single, “New Single” is available now from my new album, “Available Now”, available now.
They call Japan the “Land of the Rising Sun”. Is that why they look like they’re squinting all the time?
When a pig loses his leg, wouldn’t it be a hamputation?
Created by Jews, saves humanity.
Who, Jesus? No, dummy. Superman.
William Shakespeare never hugged or cuddled. Lovers called him the “No Holds Bard”.
My husband just told me to relax, like he doesn’t remember we’re camping in the desert and I brought a shovel.
Realtor: This house will need a lot of work, but it has good bones
Dog: WE’LL TAKE IT
Do not, and I can’t stress this enough, drink half a bottle of Irish whiskey and then make the completely rational assumption that you could cut your own hair.
Heard my dog talking to a chipmunk out on the deck, and I’m positive I overheard “nothing much, just getting some air, the whole place smells like wet human”
[First day as a plumber]
Boss: What’s wrong?
Me: *tearing up* This is nothing like Mario.
I’ve got a black eye, a $200 fine and I’ve been listed on a register…turns out taking candy from a baby wasn’t so easy after all.
[to an inflatable tube man waving outside a car dealership]
i feel like you’re overreacting. these are moderate savings at best
burglar: [sits up in bed] did you hear that
wife: [sits up] oh my god
husband: [sits up] why are you in our bed
burglar’s wife: [walks in] you son of a bitch
I haven’t showered I’m wearing my clothes from yesterday I will undoubtedly run into someone I know at the store as I run in for milk.
I can’t run from my demons. The law clearly states I have to keep them until they’re 18.
The neighbor has a sign next to the sidewalk under his tree reading, “Caution, this tree has a history of dropping branches.” A “history”? Does this tree have a rap sheet? Is he a bad influence on my trees?