White people don’t dance at concerts so they can save all their energy for the “Woo!” at the end of a song.
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Searching for your soulmate could take years. Making a slice of toast takes minutes.
Being a hermit crab is hard because every time you’re naked you’re also homeless and that’s literally the worst time to be naked
A local business in my town has an open carry discount. As in, you show them a gun to save money. Doesn’t that discount apply everywhere?
My dog used to get into her kennel when I put my coat on and I’m not saying that her standards have dropped since the start of this pandemic but she just went into her kennel when I put on pants
[screaming into the void]
MARCO
When I get old, I’m going to buy a monster costume to terrorize people for own personal gain, like a Scooby-Doo villain.
Waiter, “Welcome to red lobster, I’m your seafood expert.”
me- “did you know octopuses have a beak?”
W-“no”
Me- “who’s the expert now?”
If the wife ever ends up on Snapped, it’ll be because at any given time I have 16 boxes of cereal open.
Can I take your order?
Yeah, lemme get a McRib and a large Coke.
Sir, this is Wallgreens
OK, make it a bottle of Xanax, and some Pringles
Sorry just got your text. Do you still need to go to the hospital?
I just sneezed with a cat on my lap and I’m going to need someone to send help I’m losing a lot of blood.
Snap: i’m snap
Crackle: i’m crackle
Dad: hi snap and crackle i’m pop
Me [sobbing uncontrollably]: why did you say that?
My favorite meteorologist: I honestly thought it would be a nice da—
Me: I WORE SHORTS BECAUSE OF YOU!!!
Autocorrect changed my condolence tweet from “your family is in my thoughts” to “your family is in my thighs” and now I’m blocked.
Put your family down and pay attention to your phone.
Don’t you hate it when you forget proper terms for objects so you end up calling a “watering can” a “that waterthingie for thirsty plants, yanno it’s like a portable water holder”.
Each year more people die in bathtub accidents than plane accidents, but any idiot thinking they can fly a bathtub deserves what they get.
Someone hire this dog for the next Oceans movie
I can’t wait for the next Oscars dead-person montage when all the celebs Joan Rivers insulted have to applaud her.
girlfriend: I’m seeing someone behind your back
me: *believes in ghosts* is it my grandpa
You probably need to be having sex prior to claiming you have a safe word.
Is it the 5 second rule or the 10 second rule?
Well, either way, I wouldn’t worry too much about any germs. Here’s your baby back.
Somebody in my gang is an undercover police horse. I’ve narrowed it down to Dave, Kyle and Sugarcube
My daughter is so critical…
“Another cup of coffee?”
“That’s a lot of salt.”
“Your pants are on inside out. Again.”
PRO TIP: Stall your execution by asking if the lethal injection chemicals are gluten-free.
[slides $5 to paramedic]
Me: maybe it takes us too long to get to the hospital & maybe I don’t make it
Me: Bedtime in 5 minutes!
8yo: *Begins the single most complicated crafting project of her lifetime thus far*
What in the hell is “disposable income”?
The joke is on this spin class instructor.
My water bottle is full of Bacon Bits.
A Roman walks into a bar and raises 2 fingers and says to the bartender…
“Five beers, please.”