Please let it be chicken..please let it be chicken
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my computer is organized exactly like my brain, which is to say that I just found a photo of a baby weasel alone in a folder called “good”
chiropractor: so what can i help u with today
me: i need u to lift me up and crack my whole body like bane does to batman
Cute cat
“Thanks. We dont let him in though cause he shreds”
You mean sheds?
“No” [gestures to cat shredding to Van Halen on the back patio]
I’m a savant in that I can look at any block of cheese, no matter the size, and tell you exactly how many Triscuits you’ll need to eat it all.
The human body is 70% water and 30% land
“I don’t want to sound ungrateful, Carl, but I think I’ll get the bus to work tomorrow”
It doesn’t necessarily absolutely have to be Halloween to grab a bag and go to your neighbours to ask for candy, right? Back me up on this, gang
Sorry I only date guys who are at least 6’ (away)
Establish dominance by jumping into a cake.
Sorry, can’t. My husband is having a snoring contest with the dog and apparently I’m the judge.
My vehicle’s anti-theft device is standard transmission.
Wife: *working a crossword* Seven letter word for female.
Me: Ironman
Wife: Get out!
Girlfriend: I’m breaking up with you, it’s the way you have to make everything into a joke. I can’t do it any more, I’m just too tired
Me: *sadly* like a bicycle?
Ex Girlfriend:…
My phone died, so I was forced to “print” a physical copy of my boarding pass, just like The Wright Brothers used to in the olden days
Her: Have you planned your funeral?
Me: Yeah, it’s scheduled for September 25, 2450.
Her: (Stares)
Me: What? Are you busy on that day?
Wife: I’m growing some vegetables.
Me: What if the pig eats them?
Wife: Then I’m growing porkchops.
“Kids, are you asleep?”
Kids:
*turns off the wifi*
MUUUUUUUUUUM
I’m never more independent than when a spider offers to help me with something.
What I say: I’m on a diet. What my mom hears: please cook delicious food and buy chocolate.
If a tree falls in the forest and no one hears it, maybe that’s where your kid should be practicing the trumpet.
Just came to the realization that my ten year high school reunion will be in 10 months. I have about nine days to get married and pregnant.
After 35, your body ages in dog years
*buys two $5 copies of Math For Dummies*
*pays $47.00*
[calling work after accidentally tapping the switch that adjusts the driver’s seat] yeah im gonna be a few hours late
It’s great that interstates have rest areas. But things like Wednesdays really need rest areas too.
*puts on sexy underwear and high heels*
*grabs whip*
*flicks whip*
*searches for scissors to extricate whip from hair*
Take your kids to see Santa so they can learn how to sit on a strange man’s lap in return for gifts.
Well, look who I ran into at the liquor store. First I thought he was shopping so didn’t wanna bother him, but then I saw the shirt and thought “wait a minute, he works here?!”
Turns out, he’s the owner. A quiet life away from the glitz & glam. May we all learn a thing or two 🙌
The ultimate power move is signing emails “kind regards” because it implies there are kinder regards but they didn’t deserve them
“It’s impossible.” said pride. “It’s risky.” said experience. “It’s pointless.” said reason. “Ggrraadrttgrrtrr.” said Chewbacca.