#IHaveJustEnoughMoneyTo pay my phone bill so I can call my credit card company to tell them I don’t have money to pay them.
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That’s right, I always have subtitles on. Do you know how hard it is to hear anything over the sound of munching snacks?
[Chevy commercial]
“we blindfolded people and put them in our new Chevy. Here’s what they had to say”
Man: I couldn’t see anything. I was blindfolded
Woman: I feared for my life the entire time
ladies, imagine this: its 15 years from now. u did it. your time machine worked
If we hadn’t made them extinct, instead of kung fu panda we could have had tae kwon dodo.
Her: I’m hungry. If you loved me you’d give me breakfast in bed 😉
Me: *hands her my emergency poptart from my pillowcase* only because ily
my ex boyfriend’s cousin’s girlfriend just followed me from her alt Instagram account . I’ve still got the juice 😎
Interviewer: “Is this glass half empty or half full?”
Guy: “It’s completely full.”
Interviewer: “You’re hired. Welcome to Lay’s.”
The lifeboat dilemma: the guy everyone wants to kill isn’t the one they want to eat.
Hulk Hogan tries to quietly rip his shirt off during a funeral.
Applebee’s boss: You’re fired!
Me: Wha? Why? Is it because I fixed the soup of the day?
AB: No, it’s because you keep saying “Eatin’ good in the neighborhood… if you know what I mean”
M: 😏
AB: Wait, what did you do to the soup?
boss: trouble at home?
me: [jumps awake at my desk] yeah
boss: wife giving you grief?
me: there’s a bee in my kitchen
Toe: He just banged me into his dresser. Should I give him the most intense surge of pain he’ll ever experience?
Brain: Wait 2 seconds.
I bet someone said “Do what makes you happy” to Hitler too.
Kid: I love you so much!
Me: Aww, baby, I love you too.
Kid: No mom, the dog. I love the dog so much.
Me: Yeah, I love the dog more than you too.
I buy reverse osmosis filtered alkaline water for my dog and he prefers to drink out of the lake.
Women’s day is just a made up holiday to get us to buy more women
A second date is probably not likely if your date pulls out and clutches a crucifix when you enter the room.
i don’t believe this you guys, they’re lying on the news. right to my face
Marriage: When dating goes too far.
I struggle against the ropes binding me, catching the scent of gas. “You’ll die too,” I say.
“9 lives,” my cat whispers, lighting a match.
The Airbnb reviews never tell you how comfortable the toilets are for falling asleep on
Do I like to live dangerously?
I wrote this without my glasses on so what do you thick
*wear too little makeup*
People: you look tired*wear too much makeup*
People: why are you trying so hard*start a fire*
People: calm down
My daughter said I was too old for over-the-knee boots so I bought two pair and told her she was too young to borrow them.
Bruce Banner is a genius scientist and he still can’t figure out how to make stretchy clothes?
[if you can make a girl laugh you can make her do anything]
*makes a girl laugh*
me: can you do my taxes
i like calling a man my “former lover” because then it sounds like it happened in france and not in the bonefish grill parking lot
How to cook the perfect amount of pasta:
1. Pour out how much you think you need
2. Wrong
Target had a credit card breach? But only with in-store purchases, not online? More proof you’re better off staying home with no pants on.
Texted daughter “I’m going to take a nap” and autocorrect changed it to “come inside and scream like a banshee.”