INTERVIEWER: Says here you do magic tricks?
ME: *hands him back his business card* Is this your card?
INTERVIEWER: holy shit
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Oh no, we don’t go in there. That room belongs to the spiders.
“I’ve led you this far so the LEAST you can do is drink, dammit!”
There is a lot of tension between bed and productivity today.
wake me up when ChatGPT can procrastinate for 7 hours before starting a manual data entry task, then I’ll feel threatened in my job
I bet Jesus got tired of hearing, “This gift is for Christmas AND your birthday.”
I DO NOT recommend a talking scale.
My scale: I thought you were on a diet.
This buffalo chicken salad would be great if it weren’t for all this salad
INTERVIEWER: describe yourself with one adjective
ME: [from left side of room] pendulous
INTERVIEWER: huh?
ME: [from right side of room] you heard me
You’ve restored my faith in humanitNOPE THERE IT GOES AGAIN
*walks up to cashier with paper towels*
Are these the largest tampons you have?
God inventing the fox: How’s about a dog… but sexy?
If you get caught about to eat food off the floor, just pretend you lost your contact.
Pro tip: when you accidentally shrink your son’s favorite game day sweater, look him in the face, lie, and say he must be making huge gains at the gym.
babe are you okay??? you’ve barely touched your chromatica limited edition curry
families in horror movies buying houses: hey let’s get the haunted af one
*howling & snorting* I don’t know what the big deal is about skipping some medication.
Eddie Murphy at the premiere of Purple Rain, 1984.
Ten out of ten pigs prefer turkey bacon over regular bacon.
I had the best time at the carnival last night until a local told me that burned down thirty years ago.
You know a guy is a creep if he shelves American Psycho with “how-to books.”
one time i went to the bathroom and i didn’t know my xbox headset was still on and the other gamers heard me give myself a pep talk
The scary thing about helping my kid with her sixth grade homework is that even though it was a long time ago I don’t remember being as bad as I am now at sixth grade.
Congratulations parents! You made it through the Terrible Twos! Your child is now three!
You’re gonna want to be sitting down for what I’m about to tell you…
if any of you are fans of deep house music blasted at high volume, i’d highly recommend the grocery store around the corner from me.
Did you know you can just buy live lobsters? Anyway can I use your shower mine is full of lobsters
*signs into Skype meeting with very important clients*
*tries to sound incredibly intelligent*
*gets attacked by moth*
*falls off chair*
*catching up with an old friend* So how’s your gut fauna?
Nana to 3: “I love you! Who loves ya?!”
3 to Nana: “Nana!”
Nana to 3: “That’s right! Who loves Nana?”
3 to Nana: “Nobody!!!”Never been more impressed in my life.
I don’t trust anyone who can pick “one favourite” anything.
Screw you, you decisive jerk.