sorry for the inconvenience but the park will be closing for one hour because we accidentally made one of the dinosaurs too big
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I’m sick and tired of people telling me to turn off my lights to save the environment. I tried it once and I hit a cyclist.
NO SCREENS FOR THE WHOLE WEEKEND just fell out of my mouth and if divorce were a facial expression my husband just asked me for one
Dogs should be allowed to drive.
Waiter: Fresh pepper, sir?
Me: Yes, please.
Pepper: Honey, I’m as single as a dollar and I’m not lookin’ for change.
Her: …so are you into playing sexy games in bed?
Me: Absolutely…Are you talking Monopoly?
Her:
Me: I’ll be the thimble.
Me: *tips the waiter*
Waiter: *angrily climbing out the lobster tank*
Don’t get me wrong, I’m not whining because of the cold. I’m whining because I have to wear a entire load of laundry to stay warm
HUSBAND: Do you want to
ME: *interrupts* Nope.
HUSBAND: I didn’t say anything yet.
ME: Sorry, go ahead.
HUSBAND: Would you like to go
ME: *interrupts* Nope.
tinder, huh? back in my day if you wanted a girl to notice you, you had to dress like a gargoyle and cling to the roof of her parents’ home
Be honest, the only reason our generation played outside more as kids is because we had really shitty graphics back then.
A spray bottle to deal with close talkers.
If you have teenagers, the perfect spot to hide your alcohol is wherever you keep your cleaning supplies.
Best Mother’s Day ever started with my 2.5yo sleeping in till 7:30am and falling asleep at 5:30pm!
I just pulled over for a siren on the radio so I get it, dogs that bark at tv.
My kids got like 20 pounds of candy and that is so unhealthy so obviously I have to eat it all for their own good
aaaaartichokes. you’re welcome.
My 6yo just told me that because I need music to get motivated that makes me ‘radioactive’
Donuts are beautiful creatures and they deserve their own week on the nature channels.
Me: *Posing nude for the first time*
Photographer: Absolutely stunning, but inappropriate for your drivers license tbh
Wife: We have 4 kids already, I think we should start using protection!
Me: haha yes I’ll sort it[Later]
Son: Dad can I have-
Bouncer: Step back
absolutely disgusting that we as a society are still okay with people making hats out of cowboys
Husband: *opens jar of salsa*
Me: That looks like my period
A twitter swear jar could end world hunger.
The biggest concern with children playing football is them eventually telling people they played high school football when they’re 45.
Buying my parents’ house.
Soon, like so many of the ‘ladies’ here…
I too will be a middle aged man tweeting from his mom’s basement.
Consistent as a McDonald’s ice cream machine
CDC: your mask should cover your nose and mouth
Picasso: how
*Power goes out*
Wife: I can’t see!*Shoes light up*
Me: Ha! Whose shoes were “a waste of money” & “clearly meant for a large child” now?!
As a holiday tradition on Christmas Day, all Christmas presents are checked with our drug dog.
Those deemed suspicious, are mine.
Stephen Fry is being investigated for blasphemous comments.
Stephen Colbert is being investigated for a joke.
LET MY STEPHENS GO! 😡