I got free pancakes on International Pancake Day. International Women’s Day is now almost over and I think I like pancake day better.
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Dad: You can count cards?! I’m going to be rich!
[Casino]
Me: *Whispering* there are 52 cards
RECEPTIONIST: And what’s the best way to reach you?
ME: Probably just standing really close to me. And then, like… *slowly stretches arm out*
I have many hidden talents. Just wish I could find ’em.
That job interview was going so well until I realized I was fucked up on acid in the middle of a cornfield naked and talking to a scarecrow.
ME: There’s something disgusting in my food
WAITER: Our plates are reflective
My tax refund was so big that I didn’t even have to dilute my body wash with water this month.
Me: there’s nothing I wouldn’t do for my child. I would walk through the fires of hell and back for him
Son: can we go to the park?
Me: no, it’s raining a little bit
[being murdered at work]
Me: *being murdered*
Murderer: *murdering me*
Boss: let me know how I can help(it is unclear who he’s talking to)
SHERLOCK: Is that mud on your shoe?
WATSON: No, shit Sherlock.
*First Date*
Her: I was worried you might be a convicted serial killer. LOL
Me; HaHa, LOL. No, I was never convicted.
How does the fire know to exit at those specific doors?
[1st date]
HER: I’m such a nerd! I love when a guy talks sciency
HIM: Oh haha [to waiter] A salad with umm *sweating* kilo-island dressing
sometimes if i’m having trouble falling asleep i just pretend i’m watching lord of the rings
*birds dress Cinderella for school*
*gets to school, goes into bathroom*
*buncha rabid squirrels gather and re-dress her in goth shit*
Opened the back door and a tiny lizard fell from the sky. It’s either a sign, or the smallest plague ever.
Really, every section of the greeting card aisle could be called “Societal Obligation.”
Them: How many calories do you eat each day?
Me: Usually 1500, sometimes 10,000.
My wife said that we need to have a talk after my 2 year old goes down for a nap so I filled her sippy cup with Red Bull.
Me: I feel sad I should surround myself with fun and nice things
Also me:
I let people know that I’m no weirdo. I say “I’m no weirdo!” From that point forward, it’s just a matter of keeping my mouth off their pets.
[reading dinosaur book]
8YR OLD: that’s a pterodactyl
ME: actually sweetie, it’s a pteranodon…pterodactyl is a pterosaur genus
8: how did you ever get laid?
Every time I delete a selfie, I imagine the sound of a Gremlin being burned alive by the sunlight.
It’s ok, gas station bathroom motion sensor lights, I forgot I was here too.
My parents were always subverting gender norms. Mom grilled. Dad watched lifetime movies. Both wept when I left the lasagna out all night.
Having sex while really full is like running with a backpack on.
When you’re in the hospital on morphine, a fun game to play is “were my eyes closed for 20 seconds or 2 hours”
Cat: HUMAN IS TIME 2 DO A NEGOTIATE
Me: ok
Cat: IF U LET CAT EAT JUST ONE PLASTIC CAT WILL PROTECT U FROM SPIDERS
Me: I’m sorry but you can’t eat plastic, it’s really bad for you
Cat: FINE. U AM CHOOSE WAR
Me:
Cat:
Me: where are you going
Cat: MAKE ALLIANCE WITH SPIDERS
My gang hand signals look a lot like the finger in the hole motion, followed by the call me gesture.
You be amazed how many times I’ve been wrong when people say “guess what” ?
“Inflation isn’t new. Just imagine jacking up the price on items because you can and their location is convenient.”
*vending machines have entered the chat*