2020: Your package is on the way. It will arrive between Monday and Thursday of 2021.
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Well, well, well. If it isn’t that same mistake I’ve made several times already.
police: im sorry to both of you. your son set the school on fire.
parents: arson?
police: yes, your son.
[at my comedy central roast after every joke] That’s not true
Me, on the phone, in the middle of a story –
my dad: “All right, here’s your mother”
Killers in crime shows think they can cover up strangling people but the coronor is always inevitably like “his neck was snapped in a way that was inconsistent with a heart attack”
For sale: baby shoes. tried to wear them. didn’t realise they were for a baby.
*First person to ever eat Chicken*
Friend: So what does it taste like?
FPTEEC: It’s hard to say!
Me: *excited* I bought a bunch of Christmas carbs just like you said!
My boss: You mean Christmas cards?
Me with doughnut glaze all over my face: what
My boss: what
Back in my day we had another word for selfie sticks, we called them friends.
If by ‘paleontologist’ you mean I can name all 5 shapes in the box of dinosaur chicken nuggets then, yes, I am a paleontologist.
My job sucks but it pays the bills.
Too bad I can’t say the same things about my boyfriend.
“Hey, boo”
– a casual ghost
Instead of saying “I’ll use the wheelchair ramp,” I like to say “I’m hitting the slopes.”
My ex left because I “lack imagination”.
“Yeah? Well you lack imagination!”, I shouted after her.
Me: It’s such a nice day, I’m going to sit outside, read, listen to music, and have a couple of beers
*Neighbors dog stands at fence and barks for five minutes straight*
Me: You’re right, pooch. I should go to a bar, stimulate the local economy, and hijack the TouchTunes.
in medieval times i think the worst job was prob the castle door opener bc like you have to open those 500lb doors to let your ppl in but you gotta get that shit closed before the bad guys get in too. like i’m anxious just writing this tweet tbh.
cop searching my car and finding little notes i hid everywhere that say i love the police
At this month’s meeting of The Corporate Billionaires of America club, we will be discussing cutting-edge ideas such as, “should we be charging an extra fee to slice the pizza.”
I was really embarrassed when my wife caught me playing with my son’s train set by myself. In a moment of panic, I threw a bedsheet over it.
I think I managed to cover my tracks.
#HatDadJoke
Wait – if the planet is spinning faster, maybe I *didn’t* gain weight. Maybe there’s more gravity.
It’s like my Grandma always says, “I died three years ago. This is starting to get weird.”
*first time fishing*
Me: Ok now what
Friend: See that hook? You’re aiming to get that in the mouth
Me: orkay nrow wrhat
When you “pspspsp” too hard
just can’t imagine being this mad at a pond
I bet Morgan Freeman’s book reports were epic.
Leonardo Dicaprio is like driving in a school zone. You don’t go above twenty-five.
Use helium in your air guitar to hit those extra high notes.
When you need a dentist who’s also a snake handler. That.
When my kids don’t feel well: You should drink water.
When I don’t feel well: I should eat chips.
cop: this flat earther was ran over by a steamroller
detective: i guess you could say it’s [puts on sunglasses] really bright outside today