Oh deer
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People laughed when I said I wanted to be a professional snooker player. They’re not laughing now because it was ages ago.
“But she’s hot and not really that crazy”
~men about to have their bunny boiled
Me: You can’t honestly expect me to believe this house isn’t haunted; I can see the ghost walls from here.
Realtor: Those are windows.
Me: I’m living paycheque to paycheque
Society: Maybe you should have gotten an education
Me: I’m a teacher
[office]
BUSINESS SNAKE: [dictating a letter]
SECRETARY: [just hammering the S key]
Don’t you find it weird when you go to high five someone and they interlock their fingers with yours and hold it together for a few seconds?
I know you do. That’s why I do it.
No, no, I didn’t need to talk to a customer service representative, thanks. I just wanted to hear some terrible music.
The First Step in AAA is admitting your car has a problem.
BOSS: I have some tough news
INVISIBLE MAN: Go on
BOSS: HR says we need to hire more “Visible” minorities
INVISIBLE MAN: This is bullshit
DOG 911: What’s your emer-
DOG: THERE’S WRAPPING PAPER EVERYWHERE
DOG 911: for you to tear up and eat?
DOG: NO THEY’RE THROWING IT ALL AWAY
DOG 911: OMG
DOG: OMG
[dismissed from jury duty because I kept coughing loudly the words ‘bribe me’]
Surgeon: We had to replace some of your blood but we had to improvise…
Me: You did?
Kool aid guy: OH YEAH!
[Bunch of 6 year olds knock on my door]
“TRICK OR TREAT!”
You kids are in for a real treat…
*slips each of them a copy of my demo tape*
Seriously though, how do Gremlins know when it’s after midnight?
When I’m good I’m great. When I’m not good I’m the piano falling out of the window of people
A good rule is to check the recall list before opening a bag of romaine lettuce. Check it again after making the salad. Check once more tableside.
Me: I’m in such a happy mood right now!
Female reproductive system: Hold my beer
A small child could swim through the veins of a blue whale’s heart. Let’s make this happen.
Calling peoples opinions of me “fan theories “
Him: we’re being attacked by a UFO
Me: are they human?
Him: no they’re-
Me [clenches fist]: then they are dancer
Honored sirs, I am PRINCE KIELSEN and I am contacting you with exciting opportunity. I recently inherited an island but need a small amount of cash. Send a money order for $600,000,000 to my account and I will give you “Greenland.”
Jesus: one of you will betray me tonight
*checks phone*
Jesus: WHO IN DAD’S NAME UNFOLLOWED ME?!”
*judas slyly slips phone back in robe*
I put hydrogen peroxide on a cut to show 7 it doesn’t MOTHER OF GOD WHAT IS THIS STUFF MADE FROM THE BLOOD OF PIRANHAS?! IT BURNS, IT BURNS!
I can’t wait when I’m old enough to blame my age on why I’m stealing batteries and cheese
That scene where Scar kills Mufasa only it’s me to the crumbs on my shirt
Me: what do you call an insect that used to work for a rideshare company?
Her: don’t
Me: exuberant
Her: what is the opposite of a crime of passion
Being hungry again a half hour after eating Chinese food isn’t about the food being Chinese, it’s about you being American.
My professor handed back our 3 page film essays to my surprise I got a C after class I asked her why “you were supposed to write it about the movie The Emperor of Time.. you wrote it on The Emperor’s new Groove but it was kinda good so I didn’t fail you” so thats how im doing
I love that we have computers and the Internet now, it’s much easier to publish a study, I just published one about bacon being a super food with all the vitamins and nutrients as kale but much better tasting.
All the guys in working out photos look like they’re straining or in pain, but there’s lots of pictures of me with cake and I look happy.