when the ice cream man drives down my street I walk alongside him screaming TAKE ME WITH YOU I WILL BEAR YOU MANY STRONG SONS
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Any time I see a couple jogging together, I try to figure out which one of them is unhappy about it.
my biggest flaw is saying “don’t worry i’m gucci” when in fact i am t.j maxx
My autistic son just referred to my pellet grill as an outside oven.
I’m proud of him and incredibly insulted at the same time.
this morning i found a spider trapped in its own web and i was like, dude, same
[courtroom]
JUDGE: “In the case of the State vs Waldo, Jury- how do you find the defendant?”
LEAD JUROR: “…we uh…haven’t yet”
Not only did I finally find my car keys when I sat down on the couch I also got my first piercing
Whenever someone mentions rat poison part of me imagines a tiny rodent cover band playing 80s power ballads.
Me: wades through every single customer review and image before making an online purchase
Also me after receiving item: I will die before I rate this product
The writing is on the wall, or on my teen’s arm because I needed to write down a number and couldn’t find a piece of paper.
*Bee lands on flower covered in another flower’s pollen*
FLOWER: What’s that?
BEE: I can explain
F: I don’t want to hear your lies, Ian
I followed you because you’re hot
-Mosquitoes
I’m thinking about opening a plastic surgery center and calling it “Pick Your Nose”.
*washes your smart car with a moist towelette*
[first day as a waiter]
me: may I recommend the steak?
customer: yes ok
me: thanks. I recommend the steak
her: the car isnt working. you need to do something about it
me: sure *to car* GET A JOB YOU LAZY CAR
her: i meant a mechanic
me: i really dont care what job
Cop: Have you been drinking or are you on any drugs?
Me: Whoa, one question at a time, dude.
My horoscope today just said “NOPE”
My friend has six kids and not once have they sang about going to bed. What in the VonTrapp is going on there?
Thank you automatic ice dispenser.
I was hoping to get either 2 or 675 ice cubes.
Please don’t tag me in photos where I’m not wearing my roller skates, I’m looking for a boyfriend.
[a rat runs into my kitchen]
Me: thank god you’re here, I have no idea how to make this bouillabaisse
Walk in the club wearing my transition lenses like “What up who’s here gimme about 30 seconds and then we can get this party started ladies”
I love my husband. But, what really motivates me to stay married is how much weight I’d have to lose to date again.
Time flies when you duct tape an alarm clock to a pelican.
Would the person who has been writing my horoscope please lighten up.
my kid: I’m so hungry, I’ve never been hungrier, I could eat a horse, no wait I could eat a house, I need food right now
me: ok what do you want
my kid: you have to guess
A pronoun referring to a specific thing previously mentioned, known, or understood.
That.
A friend asked me how much I spend on a bottle of wine.
My response: Oh, about 20 minutes.
Me: *watching the driver of the hearse in front of us jump out, race to the back, open the door, peek in, and slam it shut* Well that’s disconcerting.
Son: Nah, it would be disconcerting if he ran away from the hearse.
[creation]
PORCUPINE: So what’s my deal
GOD: Basically a fat lazy rat that eats sticks and your vision sucks
P: WTF dude are you serious
G: lmfao yeah bro
P:
G:
P: Can… I at least be covered in thousands of tiny swords
G:
P:
G: HELL YES THAT IS METAL AF MY MAN