Text your husband “I know your secret” and he’ll bring you home so many awesome presents!
You don’t even need to know what the secret is!
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March 16
Called in, “I’m a time traveler. I came in today yesterday.”
Awakening a volcano by throwing a rock
I heard once that you should always wear clean underwear just in case you get hit by a bus.
Me, dying under a bus, I vaguely see the outline of the knicker police approaching: Oh no.
Please help me bring my daughter and her boyfriend home safe!
Natalie Anderson and Enmanuel Rodriguez have been missing since 6pm Monday evening. This is the last time I spoke to them. They took their dog, Sky camping and planned to return on Wednesday. When we spoke they’d
A big shout out to my cat for hissing at an empty closet and keeping me in the bathtub holding a crucifix.
HER: What kind of music do you like?
ME: Hm. Imagine dragons.
HER: Okay.
ME: Cool. Now imagine them playing banjos with their claws.
Woman on the Drive-Thru Speaker: Will there be anything else?
Me: We just met.
Funny how airport security always “randomly” chooses me for physical checking. Even when I’m not even at the airport and chilling at home.
People who say all you need is love probably already stocked up on Doritos
The day we decided such footwear would be called “flip-flops” was not our most creative moment.
If you ever get attacked by a shark, just be a good sport about it and let it eat you. Hey, look on the bright side: It’s a rare occurrence, so you’re special.
Mixed signals, like when my family members tell me I drink too much all year but on Christmas and my birthday give me cute wine glasses.
The guy who invented “Take Your Child To Work Day” was probably too late to drop his kid off at school on the way to work.
Hamburgler: Success! Look at this amazing haul of these McDonald’s burgers!
Hamburgler’s Mum: *sobbing* Your brother is an architect.
Why can’t my kids understand that I’m just not into parenting right now.
8yo: What does Dad do for work?
Me: Why don’t you ask him?
8yo: He told me to ask you.
Me: Well played. Well. Played.
[showing my chiropractor the scene where the robot stretches Mr. Incredible and fixes his back]: This. I want this.
my anti-aging skincare regime consists of a plan to eventually get bitten by a vampire
ME: *gets down on one knee*
HER: omg
ME: *gets down on both knees* whoa these muscle relaxers are awesome
The embarrassing moment when you bring handcuffs to ‘gamenight’ and she brings Monopoly.
Maybe the sharks are attacking people bc they think they are made of cake
A cop just yelled at me and took away my glow sticks. That’s the last time I go to a search party.
If salons offered free wine with a wax, Twitter moms wouldn’t have any hair at all.
Therapist: “How does this make you feel?”
Me: “Feel?”
In an effort to demonstrate how pointless internet debates are, please prove to me that snow is real
In first grade when I’d tell my parents what I learned in class and they’d act amazed, I’d think “Shouldn’t you know this shit already?”
Deliveroo driver has gone rogue this morning
My self care time these days looks a lot like me lying on the floor while my 3yo does a high impact circus routine on my back.