After I mow my lawn, I give my neighbor about 72 hours to respond.
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So excited! I’m taking an online grammar class. No more typos for me.
Nolege is power biches!
*job interview*
“So this yearbook isn’t your resume?”
“No. I’m not a moron. Those are my references. I highlighted all the NEVER CHANGE’s.”
[gets bit by spider]
[I don’t get powers]
[spider suddenly becomes tired & instantly hates Peppa Pig]
Your parents taught you to wash your hands after you pee. My parents taught me not to pee on my hands in the first place.
friend: how long have you had that bourbon?
me: 20 years.
friend: why don’t you just drink it?
me: drinking age is 21 dude.
ME *enters new password*
COMPUTER: Ok
M: Aren’t u going tell me it’s too weak?
C: I’ve seen your life & more criticism just seems unkind
*sees any 3 stars in a row*
(confidently)
“that’s orion’s belt”
My super innocent daughter talked me into playing Luigi’s Mansion and the goal is to vacuum up ghosts. So I’m giving it my all and she yells at me “yes dad suck that guy!” I’m dead, y’all
What do you call a moose with no name?
Anonymoose.
Just found out the hard way that nude yoga is only acceptable when the entire class is doing it
I’m a highly motivated procrastinator.
My doctor: you really need to work on getting that D into you
Me: bro I’m trying, I’ve got a date next week and everything
Thoughts and prayers for this lady who tried to make her purse lighter by throwing out a couple of visiting cards.
one of my fav things about friendships is that when they start, you send memes by saying “i thought you’d like this one” and they respond by saying “i really do, thank you!” and eventually that grows into you just being like “yooOOOAKSLDJS” and them just being like “HOLyyOmfnfnf”
I would have retweeted that but the sun was in my eyes and I got a lot of personal problems and I’m jealous.
This is so funny 🤣 I was crying!
Creamy peanut butter is the best because it’s the only thing holding this car together.
I got bit by an Amazon box. Every full moon I turn into a werehouse.
she loves me [takes bite of hotdog]
she loves me not [takes another bite of hotdog]
Phones down.
Is Craigslist still around, or did everyone over there get murdered?
It’s been 5 years now. I’m afraid that I actually might not be bloated.
*walks up to salad bar and fills entire plate with bacon bits and chocolate pudding*
*police sirens*
*Dad bursts into my room wearing a Princess Leia costume*
“HIDE THIS NO TIME TO EXPLAIN”
*throws bag of cinnamon buns at me*
I’m an Obama supporter but there’s no escaping the harsh truth that Batman v Superman happened on his watch.
She thinks she funny #IfMyFriendsTitledMyLifeStory
I was sitting there getting my hair cut, when a spider ran across the floor.
And that’s how you accidentally get bangs.
this is the most cat thing ive ever seen
Mom holding crying baby: He just needs to be changed.
Me: Yeah hopefully into a puppy or something quieter.
Her: Stop stalling and sign the divorce papers.
Me: *does “the divorce papers” in sign language* THERE I HOPE YOU’RE HAPPY