Nothing takes longer than a kid telling you a joke they just made up.
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Just heard a woman ask if she left her teeth over there
Really hoping this is Halloween related
Somebody asked me if I could go back in time if I would kill baby Hitler. Hold up. Hitler was a baby? This shit just keeps getting crazier
I hate when I’m cleaning my house and accidentally watch three seasons of a show.
Why is it the only thing a woman wants out of a man these days is security?
Well it’s the first thing they say when I approach them.
Take it from me
Yellow crayons are no substitute for cheese
Imagine the time we’d save if we could just normalize best friends sitting in on marital discussions and arguments so we wouldn’t have to relay all the details later.
Whenever I see someone crying in public, I figure they won Coldplay tickets.
Me: so what do you do
Date: i’m an optometrist
M: oh like a glass half full thing
D: no like eyes
M: why do u have a glass half full of eyes
You wash your hands more now, sure, but it’s still been a year since you’ve cleaned your microwave.
If you think going for a drive isn’t cardio, you haven’t been in my passenger seat.
*shows up at your hot dog convention wearing nothing but mustard and a smile.
I bet dogs have a really hard time playing Twister
Left paw: grey
Other left paw: darker grey, but not the darkest grey. Sort of in between
How to get out of jury duty: When they read the charges, yell out “Hell yeah! I’ve done that.”
Born again? No thanks. One trip down the birth canal was enough.
hm. i’ve been alive 26 years and I still do not know what you’re supposed to eat for lunch on thanksgiving in order to maximize your dinner enjoyment
Many people don’t know the ceiling fan was invented when a plane crashed into a home and they just left it.
When I was a little girl dreaming about what life in my thirties might be like, I envisioned way more powerful enemies.
My husband is looking for the remote control. I need everyone to stand up for a minute.
I love you and all but I’d push you into oncoming traffic for a large pizza and a Twix.
[in music class]
Teacher: Be sure to take good notes
Me to classmate: Which notes are the bad ones?
*a conspiracy theorist on the titanic talking to other passengers as the ship slips into the ocean*
oh, you think an iceberg caused this? frozen water cannot penetrate a steel hull. it’s impossible. you need to wake up. this is a controlled sinking…
My kid’s teacher asked me to text her if we were going to be late and I was like it’ll be a lot easier if we text you when we’re going to be on time
My last relationship was so bad, it featured Pitbull.
“Chantal, is the indicator working?”
“Yes. Wait, no. Now again yes. No. Yes. No.”#FridayMorning #RubbishJokes
Received a text from my son in his bedroom asking when I’d be home, while I was lying down in my bedroom, so yeah we’ve totally nailed social distancing
My kid handed me a tooth tonight and said “that’ll be $5” so I guess we’re done with the tooth fairy
Early to bed, early to rise makes a man healthy, wealthy and still want to take a nap by noon.
Drama Llama is what they dubbed me in college. Not because of my theatrics, I earned the name by spitting.
I was dating this guy who took me home to his parents’ house for the weekend and his mom was learning taxidermy and I slept in a room with all her practice chickens
Sometimes I worry that my son’s childhood is too happy and he won’t be funny when he’s older.