If you don’t think Colorado needs a wall then you’ve never met someone from Wyoming
You Might Also Like
A cop pulled me over because he thought I was talking on a cell phone but really I was just rubbing a slice of pizza on the side of my face
I love how we have a big tv so my 3 kids can crowd around the tiny iPad and argue over not being able to see.
My southern mother passive-aggressively reorganized my refrigerator in the ten minutes she was left alone with it and now I can’t find the cream cheese
There’s a line in 30 rock where Kenneth mentions that the mayor of his hometown is a female horse and I just today realized a female horse is called a mare. She’s the mare of the town.
my immune system told me it’s a lover not a fighter
Really, eating peanut butter is just like doing kegels for your mouth
I just want someone to look at me the way that Wile E. Coyote looks at an ACME product.
DINOSAUR PARTY
TRICERATOPS: GROUP SELFIE!!
*hands phone to T-RexT-REX: Still not funny you guys. Not. Funny.
i feel sorry for people who say things like less is more because they’ve obviously never had sex or french fries
*at July 4th cookout*
3: Mommy, where is America? Why isn’t she at her birthday party?
Me: [explains the concept of a country]
3:
3: So where is she? Does America have legs?
Me:
A tropical depression is just like a regular depression. Except instead of being unable to get out of bed, you can’t get out of a hammock.
Haha I love my wife. I just told her to calm down and now she’s in the backyard digging a 6 feet long hole to calm herself down. What a woman!
I just tried to steal a gummy worm from my kid’s candy bag and EVERY ONE OF THEM HAS A BITE TAKEN OUT.
Well played, little dude. Well played.
i know what will make the other reindeer like rudolph more – a surprise promotion from the boss on the biggest night of the year
if my sleeping schedule was a person
I hate it when restraining orders get in the way of meaningful relationships.
Well played future wife. You win this round
Him: What are you doing?
Me: *trapped in a fitted sheet* I was swallowed whole by a sheet.
Him: Do you need help?
Me: I’m just going to accept my fate and lay here.
Him: You’re napping, aren’t you?
Me: Soooo doomed.
I hate when my MacBook start breathing heavy
I’m not one for asking u guys to check out sites but please do.
Awesome site ~ _~ I’m really honored. @funTweeters
KENNEDY: lets keep our affair a secret
MARILYN MONROE: ok i’ll sing happy birthday all sexy & weird at ur bday
K: pls dont
MM: *winking* ok
My “Savings Account” is just several pairs of unwashed jeans on the floor that may or may not still have change in the pockets.
Me: I’m nervous for my date.
Friend: Just exaggerate to impress her
{during date}
Her: What’s something you’re proud of?
Me: I invented milk
Sex with me is like a roller coaster. There’s lots of screaming and sometimes people fly out and die.
*sees a woman struggling with a big suitcase up the stairs*
Me: Need help with that?
Her: Yeah!
Me: *gives her a hug* You got this, girl.
I’m not a heavy drinker but I do really like when the wine bottle makes the DOOKODOOKDOOK sound and will pour a glass of wine to experience it.
Don’t get how mosquitoes can be so buzzy and annoying but also bite me 10,000 times without me noticing
Some coworkers reheated lunch smells like it’s about to go missing in my stomach.
I’m having problems with favstar. Can all of you trophy me to see if it’s working right now? Thanks.
My son’s favorite meal is what he calls ‘mommy toast’ which is when I make him toast but I have to pretend it’s for me and he steals it off my plate
I’ll stop wearing black when they make a darker color