8 asked if I had to choose between not having him or not having chocolate for a whole week what would I do and I said I couldn’t believe he’d even ask me that and then I packed a bag for him and said I’d see him in a week
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I don’t drink alcohol, I drink spirits.
I’m not an alcoholic, I am spiritual.
Me: My therapist says I use sex for validation.
Parking garage attendant: Not here you don’t, pal.
This guy walked up to me and said he knew me from somewhere but couldn’t place where. I asked if he’d ever worked in a liquor store and guess what you guys?
“It’s not about the money.”
-people with money
In high school I was voted “I’m not really sure who that guy is”.
4 out of 5 dentists agree: kill a lion.
I just heard my roommate mixing some beats except I don’t have a roommate and it was my cat throwing up.
what is hip hop teaching our children? i caught my son listening to action bronson and now he’s in the kitchen making a prosciutto wrapped turkey roulade with pomegranate-port reduction
im starting to think mr peanut was the only thing holding the world together
I gave peas a chance, but I won’t again. They know what they did.
I bought a pair of underwear today.
In the front it says ‘I would do anything for love’.
In the back, ‘But I won’t do that’.
Flip your microwave on its side. It loves it.
IKEA Customer Services: hello, how may we help?
me: I seem to be missing a couple of parts
IKEA CS: could you describe the missing pieces?
me: well, where to begin…
Lady t-rex: I’m tired tonight, take care of yourself.
Dude t-rex: 😑
good morning to everyone except people who leave themselves enough time to eat breakfast
[first day as a peterinarian]
Customer: I think there’s a misprint on that sign
Me (petting dog): No.
Relationship Status:
My Christmas tree and I are sharing a large bottle of water.
A sip for you, a sip for me.
Confuse your least favorite person at work by moving in slow motion when they’re the only person watching you
GOOD COP: cover me!
DAD COP: *tucks him in* snug as a bug
Japan’s theme parks have banned screaming on roller coasters because it spreads coronavirus. “Please scream inside your heart.”
Since Julius Caesar’s assassination was a group project there were definitely some guys who did just enough stabbing to get a passing grade.
Getting invited to an ice cream social is conflicting because there’s the ice cream, but also the social
Boss: Can you send the documents
Me: I am sinking in the muck of a swamp of ancient pain
Boss: Ok just don’t forget to send the documents
It’d be funny if Hannibal Lecter was a terrible cook. Just microwaving kidney quesadillas or whatever. Mac & cheese with chopped up fingers.
Roasted beef is like regular beef except the cows family tells embarrassing stories about it, which are tough and tasteless.
How can anyone focus on world peace when we can’t even get everyone to use the same date format?
“Check, please!” – Me, at a restaurant begging the waiter to make sure there are no monsters under the table
*leans forward*
*leans back*
*leans forward*
*leans back*
Husband: Can’t find your reading glasses again?
Me: No, I’m doing micro crunches!
Hotel California reviews
⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“Such a lovely place”⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“Plenty of room. Excellent check out”⭐☆☆☆☆
“Can’t leave”
Cute girl: omg I love this bread
[At the next table]
Jesus: [loudly, holding up a slice of bread] so this is my body