Priest: Do you take this woman do be your lawful wedded wife?
Yoda: Do I
Priest: That’s what I’m asking
Yoda: *long sigh*
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I’d dust but it would defeat the medieval castle ambience I’m going for.
Well, like I said to my television the other day. “How can these people be so stupid?!?”
As my girlfriend was trying on jeans, a clerk asked her “Need a bigger size?” I saw the look on her face and went to make room in the trunk.
CPR Teacher: That’s the end of the lesson. Any questions?
Me: If you all want to leave and lock the door I’ll put the dummy away.
If Godzilla invades your town and starts stomping down buildings, the best course of action would probably be to lead him to the Lego store
Wait…so I get a million dollars AND I get to punch a baby in the face?
-me when someone asks if I would punch a baby for a million bucks
7 barges into bathroom while I’m showering, laughs & says “I saw your peanut.”
He either mispronounced a word or made a hurtful observation.
[moth meeting]
Moth: I was thinking, since we all love the light so much why don’t we come out during the day?
Head moth: no, we fly into lamps until we die
I got new glasses with a new prescription, and I honestly feel that I can see too much right now. It’s too much sight.
Night terrors are cool and all, but why wait?
I’m not embarrassed.
I order my gingerbread latte LIKE A GOD DAMN MAN.
(I send my wife into Starbucks while I sit shamefully in the car.)
Friend: Good for you for working out.
Me: I said I done squat today.
me: hips like a canadian goose
girl in club: is that good?
i’m so sorry sir, but we here at chase bank don’t accept gun-for-money exchanges. and we need an amount, not just “all the money you got”
I think Tuesdays are worse than Mondays.
You can’t use “It’s Monday” as an excuse.
Where my American History knowledge comes from:
25% school
25% internet
50% Forrest Gump
[trick or treating]
“Oh, what a cute little…what’s she doing?”
Me: potty training.
“In my pumpkin?!”
Me: She likes the heated seat.
*yawning at an art museum*
“I already saw that on Tumblr.”
Your Joke Is Factually Incorrect – A Guide to Dying Alone.
VILLAIN: You can run but you can’t hide.
ME: I can’t run either.
Five Secrets of Successful People:
1. Don’t
2. Tell
3. Anyone
4. Your
5. Secrets
The gal in front of me on this flight didn’t enjoy me stroking her forehead after she reclined into my lap. Thought we were having a moment.
Guys, please recycle. We wanna leave a better world for Betty White when we’re gone.
6yo: I like my hair short and long. I want my hair to be short and long at the same time.
Me: *shows her a picture of a mullet*
6yo: Oh no.
I accidentally had two energy drinks today and now my house is decorated for Christmas.
Blending in with the normals like:
Her: A baby! Oh he’s so cute I want to pinch his cheeks! Can I hold him?
Her: Oh my God I could just eat him up!
Me: I also wish to cannibalize the infant
I move your wet panties to one side and, very gently, manage to fit another pair of socks on the radiator.
“Daddy, there’s a mime under the bed!”
That’s ridiculous, why would you think that?
“Listen!”
*complete silence*
OH DEAR GOD RUN
no bro, *you* live in a society. I live with my parents