when my period ends and i’m done with all the overly emotional outbursts
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Voting was a lot more fun in the days when you got 4 snapshots for a dollar in the booth.
I’ll be providing your mandatory security training today. “Stop clicking things!”
It doesn’t make sense that there are so many poems about love, but there are no poems about hot, buttery mashed potatoes.
My wife: “I’ll be ready in a second. I just have to get the kids dressed.”
Me: “OK.”
*takes a nap*
*reads four books*
*builds a pyramid*
The first million people to send me $1.00 will get a copy of my guide on how to become a millionaire on Twitter.
i don’t mean to brag, but i totally got to third base with my rem cycle last night.
I don’t friendzone people. I relationshipzone them. Want to be friends? Too bad we are dating.
Normal people driving by a construction site: wonder what they’re building…
Me: what a great place to bury a body!
I really love sarcasm.
It’s like punching people in the face but with words.
anytime anyone dunks on me on this app i’m like man :/ i bet if they took the time to get to know me they’d be able to dunk on me even harder and more specifically :///
My weapon of choice is a loaded vocabulary.
I just heard one of my kids say to her sister, “Hold still. I know what I’m doing.”
Now if you’ll excuse me, I need to go interrupt what I assume is amateur surgery.
Turns out 83% of parenting is finding their shoes every morning.
700 people a year die falling down stairs that’s why my house only has slides
[Jesus entering surf contest]
Judge: What type of board will you be riding?
Jesus: [looks at feet]
They’re using boards?
Me: So then, He-Man & Skeletor come to terms with their feelings and make out.
Priest: Again, writing fan fiction isn’t necessarily a sin
Customer: oh hey, I almost ran you over in the parking lot lmao
Me: what stopped you
Baby showers are so weird.
It’s like “hey, congrats on having a functional reproductive system”.
I tried to twerk and have spent most of the afternoon stuffing my waistline back into my shorts.
Them: Here’s a vague event invitation.
Me: I’m gonna need more info to work out if it’s accessible – food options, how many people going, is it indoors, COVID precautions…
Them: No worries if you can’t make it. [No further info provided].
Me: Thanks. I guess 🫠.
If you can’t hide the evidence, pretend to be part of an accident
Would you wear it?
just learned from my mom that my brother is contributing so heavily to chocolate milk sales at the local supermarket that they’ve requested to be notified when he leaves for college so that they don’t overstock
[Sporting goods store]
Me: *buying skis* No need for a bag my good man. I’ll be wearing them out
Facebook’s forever reminding me about people’s birthdays like I sell cakes😒😒.
me: my car makes a funny noise
mechanic: that’s the horn
Got fired from the call center for changing all the ringtones to “Baby Shark”.
Daughter text me from upstairs..come here and bring your glasses..that can only mean one thing…we are about to make fun of people on FB…
In a parallel universe somewhere, Bruno Mars is listening to the radio & he’s sick of me being on every channel.