I’d pay a premium to stay in a hotel that dispensed knockout gas when it sensed loud hallway talkers.
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if you wanna be my lover you gotta get with my chins
Boyfriend Test: Sour Skittles in one hand. Peanut Butter M&Ms in the other. Which do you choose?
WRONG. Neither. Don’t ever take my candy.
[halftime]
Coach: Okay men we’re literally losing at basketball to a dog… any ideas?
-I have one.
*pulls out vacuum with a jersey on*
Scientists: we want to put a chip inside your brain.
Me: [thinking about Doritos™] I’m one step ahead of you.
It’s not a dad bod, it’s a father figure.
Guy cut me off & I shouted, “you are unable to pleasure your wife. OR HUSBAND.” Cause he needs to know I’m angry, yet progressive.
FYI THIS MAN IS NOT A DOCTOR HE PRESCRIBED ME TWO PLATES OF SPAGHETTI FOR MY BROKEN PELVIS AND THEN THREW A TURTLE AT ME
The toddler has started to understand more of my BAD language. So my swear words have become a bit more PG… Fudgesicles! Oh Sugar! Sweet Nibblets! Holy Guacamole!
Basically, swearing now makes me hungry.
Me:
Her:
Me:
Her:
Me:
Her:
Me: *turns on garbage disposal*
Her: *starts talking to me*
10 likes this girl so I’m going to teach him everything I know about women long story short we’re getting our bikes to ride around her house
Guys.You can’t make everyone happy, so just concentrate on me
“Mom, what does married mean?”
Taking naps together
“Daddy naps with his secretary are they married?”
No, that means he’s getting divorced
Dear Televised Sports Injury,
We saw it the first time.
Thanks.
If you are feeling tired, let someone see you rip the head off a stuffed animal and eat the stuffing, and then you will have lots of time to rest.
Walmart is always a good place to see someone in the process of hitting their child.
My childhood imaginary friends grew up to become groupies for my very successful air guitar trio.
People complain about crying babies on airplanes, but in my experience a crying pilot is worse.
Valet parking is cool because obviously I didn’t spend the last five years meticulously fine-tuning the positions of my seat, steering wheel, and mirrors, by all means please do just shove everything wherever you want it for the one minute you’ll be driving my car
Schrödinger’s Dumpster
The only way an adult coloring book could help calm my stress is if it was somehow edible.
Scurrying around in your socks, holding your beltless trousers up: airport security is like a weird, brief slumber party in the middle of the day with a bunch of strangers.
[13th century]
[my messenger pigeon flys in carrying a note]
me: oh hell ya she replied [i open the note and it says “read 7:49 pm”] god damnit
There are so many of you I would love to hug and like two that I’m afraid they’d make me into a lampshade
M: I’m so glad school started!
12: Can you help me with my math?
M: OMG WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME?!
Fortune Cookie:
For healthy looking skin, don’t get eaten by a bear.
Someone call or text my husband and tell him that dinner at Applebee’s is not a “night out on the town.”
My wife calls it “woman’s intuition” but I call it “not clearing your browser history.”
Cinderella & Clark Kent would be a fun couple. Any time she took off her shoe or he took off his glasses, it’d be: “Who the hell are you?!”
Little Caesar’s is really missing out by not doing a “Sides of March” deal on Crazy Bread.
so apparently it’s still a dui even if youre the birthday boy