Stop staring lady, I was meowing at your cat.
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me: i don’t know what to order
waiter: the chef’s special?
me: I’m sure he is
Sorry, “hella” was an inappropriate word choice. I was trying to be cool. I’ll rephrase: Your son is totally missing.
You: Help! I’ve been shot!
Me (remembering a time I poked a hole in the side of my cup o’ noodles with a fork but held my finger over it to stop the broth from leaking while I ate): I can help.
Death: your time has come.
Me: no! not now!
Death: yes now.
Me: but… I have to poop?
Death: ……damn it. Go on then.
Me: wow that actually worked.
My toddler: *nods sagely*
I worry for women who get whisked off without warning on magical journeys. Like, girl, grab some tampons. They don’t have those in Narnia.
An air mattress is the best way to tell your houseguests not to stay too long.
Nothing makes me more stabby than when my husband ignores me and starts talking to the dog.
[eulogy]
line?
Eye of the tiger. Nose of the lion. Mouth of the lynx. Ear of the bobcat. Throat of the cougar. Forehead of the ocelot.
I don’t care what color or creed you are. Or what your religion is. Do not eat my work sandwich.
Do you think it’s possible to train a hedgehog to walk up an down the table with cubes of cheese on it’s spikes? I’m giving a dinner party.
Before marriage: Kisses
After marriage: Hisses
I ran into a wall today. Literally, not in my writing. The writing is going well for once, so I guess that’s how it balances out. 🧱
*eats a bag of chips*
*eats 2 baked potatoes*
*eats a plate of fries*
*eats a plate of mashed potatoes*Being a vegetarian is easy!
my dog is like me. you can call her and make all the kissy noises you want , she ain’t coming unless it’s her idea.
My kid just asked if ‘duct tape’ is short for ‘abduction tape’.
… we’re totally nailing this parenting thing.
Friend: OMG! What happened to your hands?!
Me, thinking about how I burned them pulling a naan apart: oh I was grilling a steak and the flames were out of control.
everyone is motivated by something different. for some folks it’s money, for others it’s a paycheck. some people are even motivated by cash hitting their bank account. others do it for the love of getting paid.
6-year-old: I have a spelling test tomorrow.
Me: What do you have to spell?
6: Words, probably.
Dad: People overcome adversity all the time. Look at Beethoven. They told him he was deaf, but did he listen?
Me: *never blinks again*
If you feed me & have the heat on high, I will fall asleep on you. So to have a much more interesting date with me keep me hungry and cold
My wife complains that she has a big ass, I just wish she would stop pointing at me when she says it.
My aunt’s ex-boyfriend’s mailman’s brother said it on Facebook so I don’t think any further research is necessary.
People are shy. I’m sure that’s the reason why no one ever tells me, “please continue whistling.”
My toxic trait is that if you see me naked, that girl from the ring murders you in 7 days
[at heaven’s gate]
God: Tell me why I should let u in
Me: I’ve never made anyone look at my baby’s ultrasound pic
God: You can have my bed
Waiter: hi I’m Dave and I’ll be taking care of you
Me: I’ve been hurt before, dave
Hey teachers, stop giving my kids homework that includes stuff for me to do. I HAVE ALREADY GRADUATED.
Sincerely, every parent everywhere.
Omg you guys I got a Christmas bonus! JK it was a video message from the CEO in which he struggled to read the cue cards.
Maybe I did use cilantro because I knew you hate it, but good luck proving that.