Me: Whats the best thing on the menu?
Waiter: The cheesebur-
Me: WRONG!
*points to the picture I drew on it of Ironman fighting Darth Vader*
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addams family is funny because it was meant as a subversion of regular western family values, and so the wife and husband both like eachother
😜😜 Happy Saturday folks ☕️☕️
I hate when I lose an argument and then seventeen years later I think up a witty come back.
Excitedly told everyone for Christmas I got the Bog Witch to remove the curse on our family and instead of being happy they’re just like, “what curse?” and “why do you keep angering bog witches??”
Like, who cares? None of our kids will be born with hooves now. Just say thank you.
Alanis: I’m ready for this knife fight!
*Pulls out 10000 spoons*
caveman: *bit by a radioactive cave*
Farmer: You’d like to exchange nutrient rich manure for my agricultural expertise?
Me: Yes. Shit for brains, if you will. Lol.
Tall people are my favourite because I can grab them by the torso and shake them like a tree
My wife yelled, “This is the LAST TIME I’m going to tell you to take out the trash”, and I thought, thank goodness THAT is finally over.
[being haunted]
Me: *tries to text ghostbusters*
Ghost: actually you have to call them, they’re pretty specific about that
Me:
Ghost:
Me: you know what being haunted is fine
People with little chains that go from a nose piercing to an earring probably just got sick of losing their ears.
My organization style can be best described as “just don’t look in that room.”
Without Googling, can you close your laptop, drive to the beach, and throw your phone into the ocean?
I haven’t prevented a single forest fire.
Is it possible that Smokey was talking to someone behind me?
Fifty shades of grey is my favourite movie about English weather.
me at a restaurant
waiter: here’s ur cup 🙂
me: oh thank you
waiter: *puts down cup*
me: thank you
waiter: *fills cup up with water*
me: thank you
waiter: i’ll be back soon with your food
me: thank you
“Then, the handsome prince sees her dead body laying there and has to kiss her.”
“Ummm, what?”
“Trust me, the kids will love it.”
I hate when I’m in a room with 3 other people, & I have to shove the entire kit kat in my mouth.
I hate when people say “you always want what you don’t have” like that’s really insightful and not just explaining the definition of “want.”
BREAKING NEWS: every movie & thing you like is delayed. There. Done.
My children are now grown up and have recently left home. Now the wife can tell when I eat a packet of biscuits all to myself. Thinking of getting a dog.
Jury duty
[Burps] Wow, excuse me.
Judge: You’re excu-STOP THAT!
Dear Televised Sports Injury,
We saw it the first time.
Thanks.
So my husband told me that his coworker gave him homemade bath bombs over the holidays & that he tried one & it didn’t dissolve v well but he’d never used one before & thought it was normal. He left the other one for me & I just tried it. It. Is. A. COOKIE.
[mustard company office]
*phone rings*
“Yellow”
[on Mars]
ASTRONAUT: An alien!
MISSION CONTROL: Ok, so
A: I choke slammed it
MC: What?
A: Another one!
MC: DO NOT CH
A: [choke slam noises]
you gotta kiss a lot of frogs before you find one that’s a good kisser
Once again, I have waited till the very last minute to do Christmas shopping. Today I shall battle my fellow procrastinators at the mall. “Here are some socks and underwear kids. I had to shank a woman For these”
Him: I got a 69 on my test
Me: Nice
Him: I bet you don’t even know why people say that
Me: *hoping it’s because 69 is the sum of sums of the divisors of the first 9 positive integers* because 69 is the sum of sums of the divisors of the first 9 positive integers
Him: Lucky guess
Sorry I commented on that video of your kid taking his first steps with “aw look you taught it how to walk on its hind legs!”