Anonymous just switched everyone in Isis from Amazon Prime shipping to basic shipping. Good luck getting Fallout 4 by Christmas terrorists!
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[blind date]
Date: tell me about yourself in 6 words or less.
Me: I’m a creep, I’m a weirdo.
Date: [laughing] nice Radiohead reference!
Me: [laughing louder] what Radiohead reference?
April showers? Big whoop, so do I.
*shows up at your work*
“Hi, it’s me. From the internet.”
[product design]
CEO: I want our dry grocery items to have built-in Ziploc closures
me: OK should they be easy to open?
CEO: absolutely not
Your bio says you’re 29, your selfies suggest you slept with Hemingway.
Apparently, saying “Wow, you’ve grown since I last saw you” isn’t deemed socially acceptable when said to adults.
I do my best yoga when I’m trying to reach an M&M that rolled under my desk.
Me: You’re asking me to do this work today? On the Friday of Friday? The AUDACITY.
Boss: Again, it’s called Thursday…
*spelling bee*
“Your word is disaster.”
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
“That outfit you’re wearing looks like a natural disaster.”
This took me a few seconds.. 😅
An hour of interrogation later and the cat still has not revealed the location of the 4 missing puzzle pieces
“I’m caught in a love hexagon.” – polygamists
do I regret it, Carol? Hell, I don’t even remember gretting it the first time!
I am always surprised when heavily tattooed couples have a baby and it comes out blank.
amateur: taco tuesday
pro: taco everyday
If Bear Grylls married Chuck E. Cheese they would be the Grylls-Cheese family.
Me: [first day at work] I’ve finally found my dream job.
Me: [4 days later] I just want to go home, nobody likes me and I think the printer is haunted.
Who called him Spider-Man and not Netflix?
Isn’t anyone here that can fake a football convo like me:
“He’s showing signs of improving”
“He’s a beast”
“He just has to keep those interceptions low”
“It’s been a wild season”
“Yeah they’re so stacked”
“Yeah that offensive line”
Lol I don’t know shit about football.
[Jesus breaks bread]
This is my body[Jesus pours wine]
This is my blood[Jesus brings out Alex Trebek]
and THIS. IS. JEOPARDY.
I just made my daughter a grilled cheese and her response was “this is perfect, I bet you can’t do it twice” so yes, she knows how to play the game
guys we are on vacation and my husband keeps striking up conversations with people who don’t speak his language then doesn’t back down, save me
I just went grocery shopping so takeout it is.
*pours milk over bowl of Doritos for breakfast*
joker: if you kill me, you can save all these people
batman: no, if i kill you, that means that i’m no different from you
joker:
batman:
joker: have you ever heard of the trolley problem
“Some people say things like ‘you can’t get blood from a stone’, or ‘vegetables shouldn’t scream when you eat them’. Well *chuckles* we here at Monsanto laboratories have spat in the face of God once again….”
Hey! With the intention of somehow making you pay later for cheekily stealing those fries from me
Any party is an ugly sweater party if you’re ugly and you sweat a lot
[filling out job application]
Race: Barbarian
Remember, smoking doesn’t kill people. People who are trying to quit smoking kill people.