I think my wife has been messing with me, my present this year was two socks that had been missing from the laundry.
You Might Also Like
4 was mean to his brother so I read him a story about an unkind crab who becomes stuck in a trap. 4 asked, “Did this happen because the crab was mean?”
Sensing a good opportunity, I shut the book and said, “Yes. And they ate him. The end.”
Sleep well tonight, kid.
If I don’t stop stress-eating, I will be the elephant in the room.
Facebook is terrific way to connect with classmates who haven’t aged as well as you.
I’m good, thanks.
My mother’s relationship with waitstaff assumes that the menu is an enemy code they’ll decrypt together.
Our landline rang today and all three of our kids got confused and went outside because they thought a fire alarm was going off.
My daughter is at that age where she’s starting to get bouquets of flowers from boys. I’m at that age where the next time I get flowers, it will be at my funeral.
It’s cute how airlines think I know my flight number
Pro tip: If you keep a glass of wine in each hand you can’t accidentally touch your face.
Cop: Know how fast you were going?
“55?”
Cop: Faster.
“217.”
Cop: Um, no, 72.
“24?”
Cop: I already told y-
“Negative 6?”
Cop: Get out.
Maybe vet’s office should come with a doggy park just like any DMV should come with a bar
Just a reminder that a Cheesecake Factory menu counts as summer reading for your kids.
If my husband bought a creepy, decrepit house in the middle of nowhere to give us a “fresh start” and the evil spirit inhabiting it tried to possess me, he’d never hear the end of it.
Not to say my family is messy but I’ve had two different Roombas escape out the backdoor.
me (no beers): i will never read from the human skin bound book of the dead. i will not chant it’s dark messages.
me (four beers, smiling): hell, lemme see that book of the dead, brother. what’s one rune reading among friends?
Blind Date: SWEET JESUS I DONT HAVE ANY EYES
Me: Of course you don’t, you’re a date
Blind Date: WHAT
Me: Kind of like a big raisin
This year for Mothers Day, I’d just like all the charging cables back that my kids have stollen from me
Him: You’re on a diet. Why buy all this candy?
Me: Because the alternative is called stealing.
Mad cow disease wears off and eventually you’re just tired with a cow disease.
captain: enemy sub approaching, activate the sauna
1st mate: dont you mean sonar
captain (already in towel): full steam ahead
I want AI to anticipate what groceries I’m running low on, search every flier and website in my city to find the best price, and compile me a weekly list based on best deals per fewest stops. I do not want AI to make a picture of me if I were an astronaut.
“OH GOD! OH GOD! OH GOD! OH GOD! OH GOD!Damn these thin walls. Don’t know if my neighbors are having sex, praying or having a coronary.
[ interview at a 24 hour diner ]
boss: can you cook nights
a dragon: yes
Accomplish whatever tasks you have today with the confidence of a kid who claims to have brushed their teeth
The human body is 75% water so we’re, basically, just lettuce with anxiety.
Hate it when we run out of clean towels so I have to ride my white stallion Gregory up and down the driveway real fast to dry my mullet
Uber is great because it gives me an opportunity to talk down to people that have nicer cars than me.
Just saw a license plate that said “LUV SLUG.” I hope it shrivels up when they salt the roads in the winter.
I don’t trust kids as far as I can throw them. Currently my record for trusting a kid is 6 feet 11-1/4 inches.