“You can’t put off doing work by just eating snacks all day,” I blatantly lie to my son.
You Might Also Like
5yo: *sniffling*
Me: “Need a tissue, Bud?”
5yo: *wipes nose with couch* “Why?”
[choosing a daycare: first child]
Wife: what certifications do your employees have? what curriculum do you use?
Me: do your cameras have any blind spots?
[choosing a daycare: second child]
Wife: do you have any openings?
Me: what’s the latest we can pick them up?
When I’m old enough, my kids better not leave me alone with a box of Crayolas and anything upholstered
I always try and write my tweets real slow because I know some of you can’t read fast.
What am I supposed to do with all this laundry? And before you answer, I already tried staring out the window and crying for 9 hours.
If you’re trying to lose weight but you’re starving, eat a banana. I’ve had 73 of them today
My favorite part of riding an elevator is staring at my phone while avoiding eye contact with the person I just tried to close the doors on.
I did not ask for this, the TikTok algo is giving me overweight people whose spouses cheated on them with their apparently thinner siblings, followed by weight loss and reconciliation with their terrible spouses? I just want step-dancing videos ffs!
I’m on a walk with my 4 year old. There’s not another person in sight. I’ve tapped her on her far shoulder three times already and each time she’s stopped, turned around, and looked confused as hell. We’ve still got a long walk ahead–I’m going to go for the world record.
I don’t know what it means, but my stomach just made a sound I once heard in the woods back in 1993.
Overall, the kids and parents took Wonka’s maniacal screaming, small orange mutated workers, and horrific accidental deaths in stride, maintaining remarkable composure. This tells us they were no strangers to candy factory tours.
Oh, you have ‘haterz.’
Congratulations. I have lovers. And the ability to spell.
“I DON’T CARE IF YOU THINK IT SOUNDS GROSS THAT’S WHAT WE’RE CALLING IT” – Guy who named the sweater.
the ghost that shares the upstairs bathroom with us would like a word
Writing ‘thanks.’ instead of ‘thanks!’ so you know I’m mad
Just a thought. Why do trees get naked come Fall? They’re so careless too, just leaving their clothes everywhere
“Why you watching this shit?”
I hired a pizza chef as my new golf coach. One way or another the dude is gonna fix my slice.
Me: I know this relationship is new, but I feel like my needs are being ignored.
Xfinity Customer Service: I‘ll upgrade you but only if you stop talking.
Cop: Stand on one leg
Me: *does it*
Cop: Say the alphabet backwards
Me: zyxwvutsrqponmlkjihgfedcba
Cop: Impressive. Walk this line while holding these ice trays filled with water and don’t spill anything
Me: *starts sweating*
My wife got home and was mad when she saw I fed my son cake, banana, popcorn and M&M’s for dinner. I was like, “You saw the banana, right?”
chews marshmallows with bovine intensity
Me: Magic 8-Ball, will I ever find true love?
Cantaloupe: Maybe if you lay off the drugs.
I found a YouTube video demonstrating a 5 minute speed clean. It was 25 minutes long.
Walmart customers are classless.
You shouldn’t drink Cabernet from a Pringle’s can.
Those cans are meant strictly for Pinot Noir.
Shout out to all you people out there who get asked if you’re okay a lot even though that’s the only facial expression you have.
It may just be the parasite talking, but I’m going to climb that super tall building over there and release all my spores.
Me: whale sharks should really pick a lane ya know
Aquarium guide: let’s focus on finding your kid
If you ever see me cleaning out my car in the middle of winter, it’s because I have drugs missing.
I feel like having your carriage robbed at swordpoint by a dashing rogue who takes your ring (but you know he’s intrigued by you and will return it later in some intimate way, so you don’t protest TOO much) is a vastly superior method of meeting men as opposed to online dating.