If I insult you, I’m either flirting or genuinely don’t like you. Good luck with that.
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the court clerk in surfer court: do you swear to tell the truth & nothing but the truth & refrain from telling stories that are grody to the max, so help you god?
me, with my right hand in the air & my left hand on a ham sandwich: totally
Im starting to think podcasts may have been a mistake.
*runs into san francisco restaurant* THE KALE WASN’T LOCALLY SOURCED
*sound of 100s of ubers smashing into each other outside restaurant*
Radio: “…it’s a climate of fear…”
Outside: [*raining clowns*]
Angry Birds for Olympics: Instead of hitting two birds with one stone, here you can hit two stones with one bird.
What if Adele was calling from inside the house?!
[Calling the police]
“Help! Someone with a slice of beef strapped to his elbow is chasing me!”
“Stay calm.”
“Yes, that’s him!”
Get a puppy if you are in the market for a best friend who gets you up at 5 am so she can bite you excitedly
Pilot: Plane’s too heavy, must shed 5 passengers!
Co-Pilot: A deserted island’s below us…
*lock eyes* We have to MAROON 5!
*plane implodes
I’ll never tell you, “I told you so.” But I will tell everybody you know that I did.
Settle down, guy who brought a hammock to a public park. You’re working awfully hard to show us how relaxed you are.
Me: I’m so sorry, my dog ate my homework
Comp Sci Professor: your dog ate your coding assignment?
Me:
Prof:
Me: it took him a couple bytes
Oh sure, E.T. can look for a snack in the fridge and end up drinking all the beer, but when I do it I suddenly “have a problem”, “get arrested” and am “banned from this supermarket”.
[watching a true crime show and the cops are questioning a suspect]
My Son: Where’s his lawyer?
Me: The idiot didn’t ask for one.
My Son: *heavy sigh*
A number of people involved in the violence at the U.S. Capitol on January 6 are still at large. Help the #FBI apprehend them. If you recognize this individual, submit a tip to When you leave a tip, reference photo 223.
Other kids growing up wanted to be a cowboy or a spaceman. Me, I wanted to be a hippopotamus.
And I’ve still got time.
Yeah, I know what my neighbors wear to bed. Not because I look in their windows; I just see them during the day at Walmart.
One man. One tuba. A whole public library full of unsuspecting people. And no law enforcement anywhere in sight.
[start of interview]
Me: hi sir nice to meet you *i go to shake is hand but spill his coffee everywhere*
Interviewer: …welcome to BP
(Final maths exam)
Q: what are the two small horizontal parallel lines?
a) double negative
b) equals
c) eleven fell over
Most people don’t know this, but a canine that practices medicine is called a Dogter.
Me: My new house is making lots of creaky sounds
Friend: That just means it’s settling
My fiancee: *creaky sounds*
*time traveler returns from 2021*
“Everybody’s at home, day drinking and proving they’re not robots or cats.”
MARRIED WHITE FEMALE in search of someone to remove holiday cookies and treats from her hands. Must be of strong constitution.
My lifetime taco-to-salad ratio is 16413 to 1.
“NO YOU’RE DRUNK,” she says playfully into the mirror, then promptly resumes disappointing her boyfriend’s mom at family dinner.
ME: here’s your bday present!
BUDDY: [tries to grab it but it won’t budge] did u wrap your own hand flipping the bird again
ME: just open it
HAMMER PANTS: can’t touch this
HAMMER PANTIES: definitely can’t touch this
Wife: you are the wind beneath my wings
Me: [spraying air freshener] sorry
Toddlers wait until you’re at your breaking point to lean in for a hug and headbutt you right in the eye socket.