Nine months from now — when there’s a baby boom in Hawaii — you’ll know who took the incoming missile warning seriously.
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black friday is crazy, I just maced a kid then some old woman shot me with a crossbow
So after 75 long days, this week is finally over
her: my parents are gone 😉
liam neeson: ok when did u see them last
[getting out of prison after 10 years]
GUARD: *handing me a paper bag* here are ur things
ME: did none of u monsters feed my tamagotchi
Red Cross: A blood donation is the best gift you can give to someone.
[Christmas morning]
Kids: [all screaming while opening presents]
My wife has been binge watching episodes of snapped, so I cancelled my life insurance policy, and haven’t slept or eaten in days.
Three Doors Down is my favorite band name that describes which bathroom stall you should take when someone else is already there.
I only make my food from the natural ingredients, like uranium and asbestos
I couldn’t say no to a double dog dare. How about you? Why did you get arrested?
Active Yeast: Let’s make that bread fam
Inactive Yeast: Let’s stay in bed man
She told me my analogies didn’t make any sense.
It seriously made me feel like a biscuit in an elevator.
[at party]
wife: well I guess we should try and mingle
me: ok
wife:
me: sooo how are u and the kids doing
wife: omg I meant with other people
Kidnapper: We’ve kidnapped your son.
My dad: Please let me speak to him.
Kidnapper: He’s here.
My dad: You left the fan on, again.
I’m white but not ‘sleep in front of a store to save $30 on a television’ white.
My kids teach me something every day. Today my 1-year-old taught me how much plumbers cost per hour. Who flushes a potato?
I’m not an idiot, I’m an optimist which is kinda the same but like, waaaaay worse.
My villain origin story? When my old apt neighbor (shared bedroom wall) set her alarm clock for the hr after she left for a WEEK LONG VACATION
3:27 am is a fine time to walk around on someone’s back
– my cat
Flex on your mother in-law by leaving nursing home pamphlets lying around the house.
Him: You can’t give the cat treats right after he tripped me on the stairs. He’ll think it’s a reward.
Me: It is.
getting into an accident in GTA and making my character get out of the car to exchange insurance information with the other driver
me: dating sucks, lot of weirdos out there
me on dates: hey i had three beers before you got here do you believe in ghosts
A near death experience but it’s just me waiting for my 7yo to pick out a souvenir
An octopus should have eightacles, not ten.
I do not want a robot dog. I do want some sort of high-speed Wi-Fi router mobile hotspot installed in my current dog
1) “Obamas spying on you.”2) “Eh. Cost of being free!”1) “Obama wants to give you healthcare.”2) “WHO THE HELL DOES HE THINK HE IS?”
me: so… you want to come back to my place? *bites bottom lip*
her: don’t bite my lip
My day has been so awful I keep looking around to see if Nicolas Cage is in it.
Man on train saying he’s in back-to-back meetings all day, I suggested trying face-to-face meetings. He left without thanking me.