Who wants an omelet?
(3 minutes later)
Who wants scrambled?
You Might Also Like
2: mommy, grammy goes to bed with grandpa
me: yeah, hey can we talk about something else?
i wonder if the inventor of rotisserie chicken is turning in his grave
Getting older means having to put a daily stop to the romance between my left and right eyebrows before they become One.
Them: “can you just be cool for like once, maybe?”
Me: *whips a kazoo out from my pocket protector* “say no more my friend… say no more”
[Dracula bites a pig]
Me: ohhhhh, hampire
Every Batman actor should have to audition with this scene.
*stranded on a deserted island*
Message in a liquor bottle: BYOB
Kind of miss the days when one of the biggest things we as a nation disagreed on was Coke vs. Pepsi.
[if ‘cahoots’ meant love]
Me: I’m in cahoots with you. I’ve always been in cahoots with you.
Person: I’ve told you. I’m in cahoots with someone else. You and I could never be in cahoots. I’m sorry, I’m so sorry.
Thank goodness it’s open for most of Octermeber
Another way they could improve cricket is by having seven to eight golden retrievers on the pitch at all times
Spongebob | (•)(•) |
Patrick / (•)(•)
Squidward ( (•)(•) )
Plankton | (•) |
Mr Krabs |$||$|
At Christmas, a eight year old asked if I had ever heard of smash bros.
Nope never, let’s play, I’m sure I’ll have beginners luck
Mugger: Give me everything you got
Me: Hope you like a low credit score and insomnia
Why stop at biting during sex?
Bite people all the time.
Why did the baker stop making donuts?
Because he was bored with the hole business.
The problem with having a large imagination is that you can imagine your friends naked. Now you’re doing it too.
Movies lie. I’ve never woken up in the morning with perfectly coiffed hair and pristine makeup. I always look like Sideshow Bob after a hard night of drinking
Welcome to your 50s. You can now pull a muscle peeling boiled eggs.
Day two of homeschooling.
I am leaving my student to fend for herself, so I may hunt for essentials. Like more wine.
When pigs fly they will have the most delicious wings.
Does the defense have any last words?
“Yes I do your honor…
THE FLOOR IS MADE OF LAVA”
[Judge & jury scramble to get on top of tables]
Take a deep breath.
Exhale slowly.– Respirational Tweet
it was 1997 i was outside McDonald’s on Queen St age 15, an old lady barked “speak English” at a pair of young Korean men and without missing a beat one of them goes “OOooo i want a nice cup of TEA look at ME I’m ENGLISH i want to eat PLAIN TOAST” i miss him every single day
so we have ice (water) hockey, field (earth) hockey, and air/table (air) hockey…. folks I believe it is time for fire hockey
doktor: did you get a drug test?
me: nah I know what I’m on
SF is the wild wild west man
[two women sunbathing in garden]
“It’s so nice out here”
“Where’s that creepy guy who lives next door?”
HEDGE “He’s away for the weekend”
Somebody’s car alarm is going off outside my house. Not surprisingly really because I live in the bad part of 1992.