Thanks for the 27 hashtags describing your pic otherwise I would have never known it’s a hamburger
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The camera adds 10 pounds. The front facing iPhone camera adds 437 pounds.
If Die Hard isn’t a Christmas movie why do I spend the holidays hiding in the vents of my workplace?
You’re only as old as you feel, they say. So, 80. Today it’s 80.
Call a dude bro 3 times in a row and he’ll automatically flex.
It’s the redoucheflex
Apparently new moms are supposed to “sleep when the baby sleeps,” but I have yet to find anyone who has mastered the art of sleeping while driving or pushing a stroller.
my widow: I remember how he drank eight glasses of water a day
[elsewhere]
crematorium worker: WHY ISN’T HE BURNING
I used to watch the Olympics on TV as a child and dream of growing up and also watching the Olympics on TV but on a better TV.
“I love potatoes! They are delicious and so versatile. If only they could get me laid…”
-how vodka was born
I don’t know why friends and family keep getting pregnant when I have two kids right here they can have.
Me: you kill people for their blood? How do you sleep at night?
Vampire: I don’t.
Me: How do you look at yourself in the mirro-
Vampire: also no.
The traffic must be horrendous in a red light district
We really are the most blessed generation. We’ve had 7 iPhones and 7 Fast and Furious movies.
Dear Santa,
Please send gift cards. Your taste has gotten significantly worse in recent years.
When I’m feeling dangerous I like to play food poisoning roulette with the corner fast food sushi spot.
I saw a diaper ad that said 25-30lbs but I honestly don’t think my kid can poop that much
My daughter wrote a poem in school about where’s she’s from and she wrote I come from my siblings and I being called tiny dancers and children of the corn so I’ll just be outside waiting for cps.
* on a date snuggling *
Me: Did you enjoy dinner?
Her: Yeah, but now I feel fat.
Me: Get your hands off my belly.
You shouldn’t underestimate the number of places that you can’t put your finger after you’ve been chopping chillies.
Just ended another email with, “Let me know if you have any questions,” like I have any idea what’s going on.
(any scene in a movie in which more than one person appears)
DAD: You couldn’t do that now. Coronavirus.
A fortnight is equal to 14 nights. Unless you live in a fort; it is equal to one night. Fort math is only complicated to non-fort dwellers.
Any dinner can be a murder mystery dinner if you’re ambitious enough.
me: my father fought in the war
her: which one?
me: I’ve only got one dad
The wife and I just got divorced.
We split the house………I got the outside.
ME: I can’t believe it’s not butter
FRIEND: This is a shoe
ME: Omg I can’t believe it
Alexa give me one million dollars I know you have it
Every Political Ad Ever:
I’m a rich guy who’s not like the other rich guy he’s a total douche.
*Paid for by my rich guy friends*
I was shopping the Netherlands Amazon site and the shopping cart is called the “winklewagen” and now I can’t stop thinking about that.
If it looks like a duck & swims like a duck & talks like an angry duck policeman, then you about to fail a sobriety test son
*i open my briefcase, take out a picture of a block of velveeta cheese & slide it across the table to my financial manager*
how can i purchase one of these?