KID: daddy how are idiots made
ME: well you see when another driver and your blindspot love each other very much…
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shout out to the insomniacs, only three more sleeps until halloween
The security camera at work has “too many instances” of me acting like a dinosaur on film. And “any amount” is “too many.” According to HR.
I canceled my plans to go swimming because it was threatening to rain. I was OK with getting wet but only on my terms.
me as a teen: chapstick is stupid
me in my late 30’s: who the hell touched my recliner chapstick?!
When my wife falls asleep in a public place, I shake her a little and yell, “DON’T YOU DIE ON ME!” People always clap when she wakes up.
Wife: It’s time for a vacation.
Me: Where do YOU want to go?
Wife: Hmm… Maybe the Bahamas?
Me: Great idea! And, I’LL go camping upstate!
Not to brag, but I have one of those metabolisms that I can eat anything I want and still get fat
what did president abe lincoln call his journal?
…his lincoln logs
Hey, Honey, I bought you this Peloton bike for Christmas!
Oh, you don’t need a knife, the box is easy to open.
Babe, you definitely don’t need two knives…..
Uh oh…..
Everyone likes the guy who won’t tolerate bullshit until it’s your bullshit.
If anyone ever needs you to explain the difference between Americans and Brits, just send them this.
A priest, a minster, and a rabbit walk into a bar. The rabbit says, “I think I’m a typo.”
These true crime docs are fantastic but pretty soon Netflix is going to have to start murdering dudes just to keep up.
Me: “My wish is have a nice quiet retirement in a little house by the water.”
Genie:
My favorite part of riding an elevator is staring at my phone while avoiding eye contact with the person I just tried to close the doors on.
Order here:
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(First Day as an Interior Decorator)
ME: I’m not sure this giant cross is right for this space.
PRIEST: Again, this is a church.
Toddler: *5 minutes of incoherent babbling*
Me: Oh yeah?
I like listening to true crime podcasts while I clean my bathroom because I can pretend I’m destroying evidence.
*drops keys*
*tries to pick up with toes*
*drops keys*
*tries to pick up with toes*
*drops keys*
*tries to pick up with toes*
*drops keys*
*hours pass*
HUSBAND: I got the dog heart shaped cookies for Valentine’s Day.
ME: *through a mouthful of cookies* The dog?
If you’re going to give someone a piece of your mind, make sure you can spare it.
I’m keeping an eye on the cult headquarters, call that compound interest
Janitor (pulling a dead cat out of Hadron Collider) Here’s your problem right here.
I started a funeral business with self-driving hearses, but they keep crashing into other cars.
Business is booming.
Silly me thought that doggy poop bags were designed to open
“Not all guys wearing Flannel shirts are Lumberjacks.” *hits tree with axe* ” Take me for example. I just hate trees.”
Tonite on House Hunters: Jill wants 4 bedrooms, granite countertops and a home spa. Bob wants to be stabbed in the driveway.
Not a catfish. Just behind on my lip waxing.
Was putting away laundry and spotted this betrayal in my wife’s closet. Troubling times my friends, troubling times.