[throwing out the baby]
Me: Oh shit, my bathwater!
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Why drive 6 minutes for food when I can order doordash for $93
2/14/16 — The Day I Got Owned Online By 1-800-Flowers
Looking up the guy who’s running at me progressively faster
I SCREAM,
YOU SCREAM,
WE ALL SCREAM,
BECAUSE GRANDPA FORGOT TO
WEAR HIS HEARING AIDS AGAIN!
I got my paycheck and the envelope was filled with parsley.
Someone garnished my wage.
I named all my Nest cameras “the bedroom”… now every time someone walks anywhere in my house my husband gets the notification “Nest noticed action in the bedroom “
Parent pro tip: Beware of the child who cleans their room without being prompted. They are about to ask to borrow money.
Me:
Husband:
Me:
Husband:
Me:
Husband:
Me: moves 1 centimetre
Husband: I’ll take a bowl of ice-cream while you’re up
Inside you are two Cookie Monster. One want cookie. The other want more cookie.
“Are… are you sure you know what an elephant looks like?“
“Of course, why do you ask?“
You know you’re getting old when you have to have a drink to motivate you to go out & have a drink.
You don’t have to tell me twice because I don’t listen either time.
For the low, low price of a $25 donation, you too can be totally annoyed by me for several days until you pay another $25 for me to shut up.
If you’re not following me and received this tweet, it’s because someone is smarter than you.
Don’t like your daughter’s boyfriend?
Leave this on his windshield.
Well, this certainly took a turn
Bouncy balls are super fun if you love to play with something very briefly, then spend 45 minutes looking for it in a shrub.
I’m Asian. We literally have no wrinkles until we wake up one day with the jowls of a Saint Bernard.
Does anything good ever escape from a lab
The collective noun for a group of narcissists should be an ‘egosystem’.
When I’m angry I drink more coffee. That way I’m still angry but I also have to poop.
no..
one…cleans like Gaston
quarantines like Gaston
no one stops spreading COVID-19 like Gaston
Waitress: Is this your grandma?
Me: My wife.
Waitress: …
Me: …
Waitress: I am SO sorry.
*walks away*
Grandma: Nice one. High five!
I must be getting old.
The haircut I need is in my nose.
ME [during sex]: Ugh I love you so much babe
HER: Mmmmmm I love you too sexy
PRIEST: The kiss was all we needed
I’m pretty smart – unless it’s turning on the right burner on the stove
And now we wait
I don’t mean to brag but I stopped eating an incredible meal because I was full and didn’t need anymore.
At Walmart with a box of condoms and a Barbie play set, now I need to pick the right cashier to ensure maximum awkwardness for us both.
[first day as a 911 operator]
guy: send help oh god the building is collapsing!
me: you’re kinda stressing me out tbh