Tired of being hit by cars? Fed up with being scraped off the road? Sick of fighting off vultures after you’ve been pancaked?
Sidewalks™
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German dominatrices: If you’re happy and you know it, clamp your Hans.
I always wanted to be an anesthesiologist but I gave up that dream because I couldn’t figure out how to spell it.
Weighing myself:
“That can’t be right. Let’s do that again.”
“Okay, best of 3”
I get it. True beauty comes from within. But until true beauty can wear lingerie and give a mean lap dance, I may have a few shallow moments
[Putting petrol in car]
19.95
19.96
19.97
[stops]
[gently now]19.98
[very gently]
19.99
[ok, once more]
[deep breath]37.83
GODDAMMIT
My 7yo had £3 pocket money and decided that, more than anything in the world, she wanted to buy this secondhand doll. This sick, green doll. This nightmare doll, which is now affectionately named “Baby Ben.” If I am dead by morning, you know why.
I’ve put the garden waste wheelie bin out. I’ve no idea if it’s getting collected today but everyone else in the street has now done the same just in case.
Got to my dad’s house and he was showing me all the food he has for me to snack on and he goes “and I have a guacamole ball” what’s a guacamole ball you ask? well I will tell you. an avocado. He has an avocado.
2016: imagine the worst case scenario.
2019: no, not like that, worser
Seductively takes 378 bobby pins out of my hair
I’ve never watched The Bachelor but I have been to a bar.
Not to brag but I just filled up the gas tank and doubled the value of my car
Introducing new iPhone 5 features:
– Patented Ultrablack color technology.
– Siri is less of a cunt.
– Contains 1 mg of Steve Jobs’ ashes.
Would definitely get your blood pumping waking up to that…😳🤣🦏🦮
If Twitter has done nothing else, it’s trained me to spell words like diarrhea, gonorrhea & chlamydia without spell check.
who wore it better?
January has been Januweary
The best way to get back at someone is to eat toast in their bed.
3% human
97% stress
Anyone else notice your clothes only get caught on door handles when you are already angry or annoyed???
is the ultimate american drug watching an entire season of a tv show at once or getting married so you don’t have to die alone?
mom: Why are your eyes red? Are you high!?
[flashback to me cry-singing Taylor Swift’s “Love Story” in the car on the way over]
me: Yes
My husband pissed me off today, so I hid his keys by putting them in the spot where we keep our keys.
scared the mailman today by coming to the door naked.
Not sure if he was more surprised by that or that I knew where he lived…
Be the reason why the lights flicker & the temperature drops when you enter a room.
Officers asking me why I’m speeding like they don’t know people fast during Lent.
Your Game of Thrones name is your biggest fear spelled backwards plus the profession your guidance counselor suggested. Mine is Snwolc Clown
Love restaurants that put ice cubes in their urinals. Makes me think the ice is a bank vault and my pee is a laser.
I shouldn’t repeat idle gossip from the neighbors but I just heard arf arf arf arf arf arf arf arf arf arf arf arf
Her: I’m a sapiophile
Me: I don’t know what that is
Her: it’s being attracted to intelligence
Me: totally I am a sap… sapial… me too