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Reminder to any new followers…Ancestry.com is NOT a dating site…lesson learned…like 4 times.
Toddlers are like ants only instead of carrying 20x their body weight, they take up 20x their body size in your bed
The people on house hunting shows are always like “I am a bus driver, and my partner here collects dead bugs. Our limit is 6 million dollars”.
Get real…
I think one of the toughest parts about growing up is realizing that you don’t sweat blue if you drink blue Gatorade.
obviously, you’d be a fool not to get two
Fun Fact: If you wear scrubs, people will tell you all kinds of unsolicited and disgusting problems.
Handsome Stranger: Excuse me, but you’re..
Me: Gorgeous & you’ve been mustering up the courage to speak to me?
HS: ..blocking the pickles.
A girl who can wear a baseball hat is hot. Unless it’s a team I hate. In that case, she’s probably a whore.
when you miss your boat so you have to take the train
if by “picking up hotties at the club” you mean going to costco for rotisserie chicken then yeah i am
Him: No more coffee for you.
Me: “Why? I’m fine,” I say while detailing the neighbor’s car.
Knuckle tats:
(I)(M)(H)(U)(N)(G)(R)(Y)
Tai Chi is so crazy because it’s like throwing a slow motion tantrum.
I just opened an email from the vet wishing my dog a happy birthday.
I replied asking them to call her because she can’t read.
DOCTOR: At a guess, how much alcohol do you drink in a day?
ME: Hardly any
D: That’s excellent
ME [swigs vodka] But I’m a terrible guesser
No thanks, toilets that flush.
-kids
[Toddler scream crying at the top of his lungs in Target]
Me (yelling):
“SAME!”
my co worker is getting married.
She said that she didn’t realize how expensive changing her last name is.
Her and her husband decided if they are going to spend money to have last names changed, they will choose something they both want.
Their new last name will be Nighthawk
She says she only drinks wine to collect corks for her Pinterest project, which is pretty cool cause it looks like she’s building a castle.
Sometimes, when I think about the word ruminate, it gets embedded in my mind, and I just can’t stop thinking about it.
One of the greatest gifts my kids have given me is my high tolerance for alcohol.
M:$50 on the ginger with face tattoos
H: Ma’am those aren’t tattoos, they’re freckles and you can’t bet on a 6th grade spelling bee
Her: I like a guy who’s mechanically inclined
Me: *tilts my chair back all the way*
Her: no, I mean good with cars
Me: *hits play on the movie Cars*
If I could sing like Janis Joplin I’d be able to sing my children a lullaby before bed and yell at them to go to bed at the same time.
Fact: Bernie Sanders won’t release his birth certificate because it proves that when he was born he was already a 74-year-old man
SALMON: Who has been spreading gossip I thought I could trust you two
TROUT: I don’t know, who could it be?!
BIG MOUTH BASS: Yeah, who??
Every funeral is open-casket if you’ve got a crowbar and a sense of adventure.
An Apple a day may keep the Doctor away!!!… But an Onion a day keeps Everybody away!!!
Protip: When an office says it’s paperless, it usually does not include the restrooms.
Her: *raises glass* to poor life choices
Me: I’d prefer if you said ‘happy anniversary’.