Old men’s pants creep higher & higher up their waist into their armpits.
At the end of their lives they’re just a pair of pants with a head.
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kool-aid man: you’re grounded
kool-aid son: I hate you!
kool-aid man: don’t you dare g–
kool-aid son: *uses door normally*
I’ve had like 6 red bulls, so of course I’m vacuuming the front yard.
*quietly opens cheese wrapper*
*dogs come running from upstairs*
Me: How the hell did you hear that?
[10 minutes later]
*gf quietly opens bag of chips*
Me: (from upstairs) ARE THOSE MY CHIPS?
90% of your body is water. 6% is delusion. 4% is lies.
If you are going to call something super, it better have a cape. I’m looking at you, tampons.
MIL: You have to teach them really young to pick up after themselves
Me: *watching my husband take off his socks and leave them in the middle of the living room*
“Nailed it.”
-inventor of crucifixion
FRIEND: i have this great new detox system
it’s all natural and actually works i swearME: is it your liver & kidneys?
i bet it’s your liver & kidneys
My first act as president will be an executive order requiring that all celebrity baby names be reviewed by a panel of sane people.
I have a great story to tell u.
“Why don’t u just go write a book”
Wow, that’s-
“Don’t u dare say it-”
a novel idea.
“I’m moving out”
Instead of a sock on your door, hang a doughnut. Not only is Doughnut Disturb hilarious, you provide a snack for your now homeless roommate.
[heaven]
darwin: *looking down*
angel: what’s going on?
darwin: watch this
Me: pick your poison….
Him: a margarita would be nice…
Me: that’s not how an lethal injection works, Chad
*interrupts your heartfelt story*
Oh NOW I hear your New York accent!! Say “dying wish” again!Ok now say “coffee”!
I don’t like who I become when I’m watching someone Google something less efficiently than I would myself
Zen master: Why are you still tweeting? The validation isn’t real.
Me: Neither are you.
Zen master: Oh bugger.
If I worked in a used record store I would tell every customer “all sales are vinyl” until I was fired.
It would be worth it.
“Help! I can’t get my jogging trousers off!”
“We’ll have to perform an emergency trackybottomy”
Minister: Should anyone present know of a reason why this couple should not be joined in holy matrimony, speak now, or…
Me: I’m so glad you asked, she still hasn’t returned two of my favorite Tupperware containers.
Wife: Where did all this glitter come from?
Me: Jake, at State Farm.
Louis Lane “there is no way broccoli is a superfood!”
Broccoli *takes spectacles off*
Louis Lane “My God! Look, it’s a superfood!”
I googled my symptoms and it turns out that half of y’all are stupid 🤕
Therapist: let’s work on some realistic expectations
Me: *still straining to lift a tissue box using the Force*
Of course I regularly eat international cuisine. Only last week I had cyrillic alphabetti spaghetti.
god I hope there’s no such thing as reincarnation I’m way too tired to do this again
Husband: Why are you whispering?
Me: because I’m wearing spanx and i can’t breathe or feel my hands or feet much less speak in a normal voice
Husband: I don’t know why you wore those it didn’t even make that much difference.
Me: I WILL KILL YOU WITH MY BARE HANDS
Child: I need to be dismissed from school, my stomach hurts.
Also child, after being dismissed: [orders himself DoorDash from McDonald’s at 8 PM]
I’m sitting here watching this married couple argue in this restaurant. Then their 8 year old says “oh great, dinner and a show.” Priceless.
Buys a cheap box of wine and parties like it’s $19.99