[buys plastic lightsabers for the kids]
5-year-old daughter: Mine is broken.
Me: What’s wrong with it?
5: It doesn’t even cut off arms.
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If at first you don’t succeed, sweep the leg.
Win every disagreement by saying ” I know. I’m from the future.” Because they can argue with you, but not science.
Be nice to a nerd. Prevent a supervillain.
Oh, your pet loves you more than anyone else? No shit, if you controlled when I ate I’d be obsessed with you too.
From a shark’s perspective, Jaws is a lot like Home Alone.
According to science, the most stressful events for an adult are:
-Divorce
-Death of a close family member
-Personal injury or illnessAnd the most stressful events for a kid are:
-Bedtime
-Dad cut the sandwich into rectangles not triangles
-“He’s copying me”
Let’s take a moment to be thankful that ponytails don’t wag like dog tails when we’re excited.
DOG 911: What’s your emer-
DOG: THERE’S WRAPPING PAPER EVERYWHERE
DOG 911: for you to tear up and eat?
DOG: NO THEY’RE THROWING IT ALL AWAY
DOG 911: OMG
DOG: OMG
[On the phone with my bookie]
Put it all on Jesus and let it ride
Why didn’t they just call Thanksgiving ‘The Nightmare Before Christmas’?
Me at dinner on a first date: I’m not answering any more questions without a lawyer.
Hit the showers. Smack a sink. Verbally assault a bathtub. Make everyone at Home Depot uncomfortable.
As soon as they heard the flush, my phone interview took a drastic turn.
I don’t know why they call this a house cat he doesn’t even like techno.
Don’t tell me you’re into the Halloween spirit unless you go into a haunted house willing to die.
“I knew he was the murderer when I saw him on the dance floor,” Holmes said. “You see, Watson, guilty feet have got no rhythm.”
Me: Beetlejuice! Beetlejuice! Beetlejuice!
Bartender: doesn’t matter how many times you say it, we don’t have it
Don’t tell me I look tired unless you’re offering to carry me
My husband and I don’t keep score. Mostly because neither of us have that kind of memory capacity.
“♫ In the circle…“
“Enough already, Stanley.”
“♫ the circle of…“
“You’re making everyone nuts.”
“♫ liiiiiiiife!”
My mom’s name is Silvia. Her brother is Sylvio and her sisters are Silvana and Silvia Helena. You get a cookie if you guess my grandfather’s name
I’ve been a girl for 36 years, and I still don’t know how to correctly use bobby pins.
there is nothing more wonderful than the laughter of children, except possibly my own laughter when I’m chasing them off my lawn while swinging a 2×4 with a nail in it
The ex-comedian urge to write my own wedding vows so everyone remembers I’m the funnier one in the relationship
Remembering the year my son sent me a Mother’s Day card saying ‘you’re like a mother to me.’
My wedding vows said “till death do us part.”
My wife died, so I was a free man.
Then she came back and bit me.
*emerging naked from a ball of lightning*
Me: You there! What year is it?
Tupac: It’s 1996 -are you-
Me: I’m from the future, yes
Tupac: To deliver a message!
Me: No
Tupac:
Me: I’m just going to live here
Tupac:
Me: You should uh… take a cruise or something though
I hate when someone makes an Instagram for their pet and then spells all the words wrong.
Either your dog is smart enough to set up, build & maintain a successful social media presence or he isn’t.
If you expect me to believe a dog did all this I think he can also spell “hungry.”
My toddler just woke up and went to the pantry to get herself Doritos for breakfast.
Apparently she’s ready to be a teenager now.
I saw an Indian asleep on the train, noticed the little red dot on his forehead, and thought, “Is he on standby?”