One fist-bump from a cool black dude is worth 5 years of my parents loving me.
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[titanic, 1912]
Captain: what kind of lettuce do u want on your sandwich
First mate: ICEBERG
Captain: lol no need to shout, Dave
[first day working for IKEA]
Customer: one nightstand please
Me: sorry, I’m married
Always have a fake name at the ready so you don’t tell the cops something stupid, like “Andrew Granola.”
what is hip hop teaching our children? i caught my son listening to action bronson and now he’s in the kitchen making a prosciutto wrapped turkey roulade with pomegranate-port reduction
“Man, people have a lot of free time on their hands,” says my husband, standing idly by our window for several minutes staring at everyone attending our neighbor’s garage sale.
I’m just over here waiting for my 1st Richard pic.
Wife: We need to go to the store. We’re out of milk.
Me: We can wait a few days.
Wife: We’re out of beer.
Me: *dives in the car*
I was using the self-checkout at the grocery store and since I’m such a good customer, I decided to give myself a free gallon of milk.
I would like to see the USA go metric before I die just so I can enjoy the outrage that would follow.
I really need someone to follow me around Target to say “No. No. Put that back. You don’t need that. You already have 4 of those at home.”
Pilot is one of the few jobs where you can get fired for going above and beyond
“…This one is TOO big. This one is JUST right.”
-my daughter, picking out her preferred public toilet.
7: I’m not sure I want to be a parent
Me: Why not?
7: Because it seems tiring
Me: Why?
7: Because I don’t want to waste my money on kidsKids are such fast learners these days
This is the best tattoo I’ve ever seen in my whole life, no contest
“But your honor, what about all the people my client didn’t kill?”
“Is my wife asleep or dead?”
It’s a game I play by picking up her phone.
Flex on your toddler when they piss you off by asking them what sound a giraffe makes
It has come to my attention that I was mistaken in my adamant assertion that Mountain Dew is in fact “morning dew collected from the sides of mountains.” I will not be paying you the one million dollars on our bet as I have no money. Sincere regards,
Being brave is overrated.
Just run away, screaming, like a normal human being.
me:
Game of Thrones fan: man i just got out of a meeting that was a TOTAL Red Wedding. I thought heads were gonna roll like Ned Starks haha. Oh dont i owe you from lunch the other day? A Lannister always pays his debts! Anyway better bundle up out there, winter is coming LOL!!
I got a new skirt, can you see my underwear? *cartwheel*
No.
How about now? *handstand*
I’m sorry ma’am, you need to leave the library.
Him: Are you crazy crazy, Craigslist crazy, or institutionalize crazy?
Me: Yes
What the world needs now is love, sweet love…
And an extinction level asteroid.
My car’s GPS has learned to say “Your other left.”
10yo: When in doubt, albatrout.
Me: What the hell is albatrout? That’s not real.
10yo: Now you’re in doubt!
Me: But…
10yo: ALBATROUT
I see in your bio you’re divorced and play the bagpipes. I’m going to venture a guess as to why you’re divorced
Even on your worst days, an identity thief wants to be you more than you want to be yourself and that’s beautiful
Going to church you guys need anything
when I’m having a bad day as a parent, I just remind myself that plenty of animals won’t hesitate to eat their kids, so really I’m in gold star territory
If I could be any super hero I’d be The Flash, but instead of wearing his costume I’d wear a trench coat. Same name, different purpose.