boss: i need u to reschedule our meeting to 10am
me: [reschedules meeting to 10am]
boss: [declines]
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You want me to work for exposure? The thing that killed Marie Curie?
If your girl can fold a fitted sheet, she probably has a good recipe for a spell using newts
Start a slow-clap in a quiet, crowded room. The first person that joins you, marry them. They’re your soulmate.
There is never a wrong time to tell someone you love them
except maybe during their wedding to someone else or during a mountain rescue attempt where they really need to focus.
Fun Fact:
Vegetarians live up to nine years longer than meat-eaters.
Nine horrible, tedious, meaningless, worthless, meatless years.
.. do you even science?
Friend: you can come to the party if you promise not to do that weird thing where you talk about salad dressing
Me: fine
[Later]
Me: hey would you guys rather own a ranch or a thousand islands
Boss: Don’t sit in that cubicle, it’s haunted by the ghost of Steve
New Hire: Prove it
Boss: DONUTS IN THE BREAKROOM
* the office chair spins around immediately *
Most airlines will give you a complimentary bag of pretzels and a full can of soda, except for flights to Minneapolis. Those ones only serve mini sodas
Today I spent an extra $10 to get to $50, just so I could get a $15 gift card. My wife is so proud.
Him: I’m so high right now…no one has ever been so high
Me: oh yeah? *whips out a photo of my hair circa 1989*
Being held for questioning sounds more romantic than it is
I went for a drive but I forgot my glasses. I didn’t even realize I had forgotten them until the guy lying on my windshield said something.
Him: You hang up first.
Me: *click
Normalize asking jobs for references right back. Like I’m gonna need to talk to three current employees, please.
“Having sex for money is bad because it is counterfeiting feelings” wow dude, I have bad news about every other customer service job ever
I’ve never run a marathon, but once I walked real fast across a parking lot because Krispy Kreme was about to close.
shit just got real
yes yes a thousand times yes!
me: somebody stole a painting. they broke in, disabled the alarm–
detective: okay I got the picture
me: wow that was really fast
Just got carpal tunnel syndrome from scrolling down to my birth year
I wish I was Jean Claude Van Damme, not to be able to roundhouse kick my co-worker, but to bore him to death as I act out a scene.
Sorry I have been gone for the last two days, my son had a quick story to tell me
“Trust your gut” ok first of all my gut wants pizza 24 hours a day
Some people are like water balloons; they’re more fun when you throw them out the window.
Hot singles in your area looking to borrow a cup of air conditioning
Ok… so wireless bra’s don’t have any internet connectivity, we all make mistakes, can we just move on now.
Krang: My robot body will crush my enemies but they will always be reminded of my brainpower because they will see me through a window!
Henchman: In the h-
K: In the stomach, yes!