“I’m practicing self care” I scream at the buffet waitress as she tries to wrench a whole steam tray full of lobster from my hands
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Wasted my annual good hair day at work again this year.
Cooking is easy if you’re single as long as you have a mom, leftovers and a microwave.
In what is potentially a gross misunderstanding of Christmas in general, my 2.5yo has hidden her wallet ahead of Santa’s arrival.
Loads 5 frozen pizzas into the freezer.
Meal prep ✔️
I was actually doing so well until your email found me.
Part of adulthood is finding a hobby that you don’t have time for.
i could never be president. im overqualified.
i don’t care if it will “benefit our community” stacy. i’m not gonna take off this garfield costume
Your life flashes before your eyes right before you die. It takes an average of 70-80 years.
I work in manufacturing. A guy is downstairs adjusting a machine, and apparently someone brought him the wrong parts. I just heard him yell, “Your nuts are too small! Gary has some extra. Go grab his nuts!”
*panics during bank robbery*
“Uhhhh hi yeah I’d like to put this gun in my safety deposit box”
Adult black cat: looks like a pool of shadow, sleek, elegant, mysterious, walks in beauty like the night
Black kitten: looks like a sockful of soot halfway through exploding and is really confused and mad about it
“Dayyuuuum Giiiiirrrl… Did you fall from Heaven?”
*pokes body with stick*
you know covid done screwed everything up when you get into a car accident with a small plane.. you don’t even panic you guys just exchange insurance information.
I like to sneak a donut into the salad bar so everyone will ask, “WAIT, THERE’S DONUTS?” and I say, “Sorry, last one!” and then eat it.
a car is a metal ravioli and you are the meat!
Anyone: You go girl!
Me: Omg, ok. Yes. Finally. *walks away*
*A tiny bee’s eyes widen while putting on his tuxedo for his big day* “did you say Honeymoon”
My 10 yr old googled how many states are in Oregon so I guess geography skills are like genetic or whatever
[Top of the Eiffel Tower]
Me: I just want you to know “eiffel” in love with you
Them:
Me: get it? “I fell”
Them: *pushes me off* you fell
ME: is this the soup of the day
WAITER: it’s an aquarium
ME: ok I’ll have that
The way my kids use sunscreen they’ll never get a sunburn on their bathroom floor
Brand new white Adidas completely ruined by 6 steps into the dog park gate.
I’m pretty sure I made one of those “If we’re both still single” pacts with someone. I just wish I’d written down his name.
My DNA test results finally proved what I knew all along; my mother was a can of diet Fresca.
Earth Day implies the existence of Noseth Day and Throatth Day
My child has started writing raps and while I love her and applaud this development I wonder if she lacks the years of life experience the form demands
*Does one sit-up. Whispers to self.
“That’ll do pig. That’ll do.”