*Salem 1692*
Witch: I’m not a witch!
Judge: Look, if we’re being honest, you’re on trial for being a woman. Don’t make this weird
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1) Lick tip.
2) Stick it in gently.
3) Pump 12-20 times.
4) Sweat profusely.
5) Pull out gently.
-Instructions on inflating a basketball.
every time the weather starts to warm up those fraps start lookin goooood
My wife and I stood waving to the neighbor for 10 minutes this morning before we realized she was cleaning her windows.
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: No
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: No
MAGICIAN: This one?
ME: No. When is our regular postman back from holiday?
[FIRST DAY AS A NUDE MODEL]
INSTRUCTOR: Sir, we need you to take off your socks.
ME: (chuckles) Oh, sorry.
INSTRUCTOR: (clears throat) All three of them.
You want to piss off a woman? Hide one shoe.
Here’s a promise – if a scuba shop is within sprinting distance of the ocean and they let me try stuff on I’m not paying for a damn thing.
Cortana, where is the closest Taco Bell?
There’s a Weight Watchers meeting 1 mile away from you.
*Note to self: Never call Siri Cortana*
“What if kids lost all their baby teeth at once? Kid turns five and their teeth start flying out of their mouth, like popcorn in a pot without a lid?”
“I meant questions about your root canal.”
“Nah. Hook up the gas and let’s party.”
If it hurts you more than it hurts them, you’re probably holding the Taser wrong.
911: What’s your emergency?
Me: I brought a girl home last night
911: That’s not an-
Me: NOW SHE WON’T LEAVE!
*swat team busts down my door*
me, as a child: *walks into the kitchen covered in my own blood holding a rabbit I fought from a hawk*
my mom, on the phone: *mouthing* I’m on the phone
Sure, there are plenty of fish in the sea, but they won’t have sex with you either.
Not to brag but my wife and I can hold complete conversations by rage loading the dishwasher
Anyone want a chair?
I drive an extra five miles on my way home from work so I can access my mailbox from the drivers side.
sometimes killer whales hunt moose, and if that doesn’t scare and confuse you, it probably should
6yo: mom, how do you spell ‘do not touch’
4yo: mom, how do you spell ‘yes touch’
Let’s get married and have kids so instead of enjoying coffee in the morning you can braid hair while I pack lunches and we can all be late.
My husband left me on read and it’s been 22 minutes.
If he wanted a divorce he could have just asked me like a rational human being.
A neighbor asked my 5 yo if we had fun plans this weekend and he responded “we will probably go on a walk after dinner.”
Buckle up folks, things are about to get crazy.
them: i hate answering emails
me: yeah, it’s the worst
them: let’s just have a meeting
me: wait
Security Guard: Can I see your ID card?
Me: *flashes card quickly*
SG: Show me your card again.
Me: Bit weird, but OK… *flashes cardigan*
*in the car*
dog: where we going?
me: to the neuter clinic
dog: neuter clinic? you’re nuts!
me: no. your nuts
[talking to my guide dog]
this better be the hospital this time and not wimbledon again
[from a nearby speaker]
“FIFTEEN-LOVE”
Sick of people telling me to “calm down” and “release the hostages.”
The best thing about working at my office is that you can literally use as much toilet paper as you want in the restroom.
80’s rap was like being in 5th grade and trying to find words that rhymed with “hat.”
Why doesn’t Popeye’s serve spinach?
boss: why are you so late?
me: why are you so obsessed with me?