[i sweetly pet a wild baby deer in my lap] aww this is so boring
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I told the kids we had 3 of them so we’ve got one to make money, one to marry into it, and whoever’s left gets to change my poopy diapers when I’m done looking after myself. Long story short, they’re now in a race to leave home first.
And that’s how you win at parenting.
My kids refused to eat the leftover tacos.
My wife said to throw them out.
So I did.Now I don’t know what to do with the tacos….
Things would be so much simpler if everything was as easy as your mom.
this is why you always check the reviews before ordering one thousand live crickets
Sometimes I think how could anyone not want me and then I read my tweets
Me: omg that’s the saddest hostage video ever
Them: they were singing happy birthday to me
‘Always be prepared’ apparently doesn’t apply to ANY OF THE PEOPLE IN FRONT OF ME AT THE PASSPORT FACILITY
My boyfriend died after falling into a giant vat of coffee at work
He didn’t suffer, it was instant
Me: The other day I saw a bottle of wine in my fridge and pet it like it was a dog because I was so happy to see it…wait what was your question?
Them: I asked how being a mom of three boys was going, but I have my answer.
I figured out the best time to go grocery shopping these days is at 3:45 AM, before the Girl Scouts even wake up. Ha, I’ll show them.
Back in my day we had another word for selfie sticks, we called them friends.
You gotta feel for kids today, growing up in a world where all the good screen names are already taken
I came home to find that my son had installed the air conditioner in his bedroom window.
I told him, “You did a good job, but it’s actually supposed to go in like this.”
I then proceeded to drop his air conditioner out of the 2nd story window.
There is no moral to this story.
“I’m almost at the end of my childhood and pretty soon I’ll be a teenager”, my 6yo, trying to ruin my day, apparently
Date: You seem close to your mom
Me: I am
Mom: It is a small table for 3
Adulthood is leaving the house, then two minutes later try to remember whether you locked the front door.
Me: I’m going to be healthy
Breakfast: fruit
Lunch: sandwich
Dinner: salad
Midnight: large pizza, mac & cheese, a gallon of ice cream
[Walks up to stranger]
Me: “Excuse me, would you take my picture?”
Him: “Sure.”
Me: “Great!”
[I hand him a beautiful 5×7 portrait of me]
#SCOTUS one-star review
My mom doesn’t understand that powdered donuts are eaten over cd cases while in cars, and my friends love donuts, and that’s why. (Not blow)
ME: My goal is to be king, like my dad.
HER: That’s amazing. Of what country?
ME: It was his goal, Linda. And now it’s mine.
it is time once again
Just the other day, I asked my mom at what age do children start really listening to their parents but I don’t remember what her answer was.
My dribbled milkshake stains bring all the dry cleaners to my yard
another car tip: once a month, open the hood and rip out one thing. most of the engine is decorative and weighs down your car
[buying a wood chipper]
ME: So does blood splatter everywhere when a body goes in?
SALESMAN: What?
ME: What?
More like “science UN-fair”
*I walk away in slo-mo. The building explodes with baking soda lava*
*I roll a smoke with my 2nd place ribbon
[simba and nala sit atop pride rock staring at a beautiful sunset]
simba: *pulls engagement ring from his hip pocket* circle of wife amirite!
nala:
simba:
nala: where’d you get a hip pocket?
Psychic: I’m also a medium.
Me: I’m a large or extra large depending on the brand.
We have great news. We’re pregnant!
-Awesome! Do u know the sex yet?
Of course we know ‘the sex’. How do u think we got pregnant, silly?