My prediction: the Euro Cup final will be won by whichever team first figures out that there’s nothing in the rules that says you can’t grab the ball with your hands and run into the goal with it
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Maybe put an Apple Air Tag in your F-35 jets.
*kids running down the stairs*
DADDY, DADDY, I HEARD TOYS BUZZING IN YOUR ROOM AND MOMMY SAY, “SANTA CAME EARLY THIS YEAR.”
Please be more careful with your tacos. I just found them in my mouth.
If you don’t believe in evolution how do you explain such striking similarities between the doughnut and the bagel?
If i was married i’d wake her up with “huh? what was that” 7-8 times a night
“Our toes look nothing like that!” – Camels
Me: How much for the snake hamster?
Pet Store Clerk: That’s a ferret
I identify as whoever’s credit card I just found
boss: can i talk to you in my office
me: anything you have to say to me [gesturing to emotional support alligator] you can say to phillip too
Villain: We meet again, Mr. Bond
Bond: You don’t remember my 1st name do you
Villain: Sure I do. It’s uh..
Bond: C’mon this is our 3rd fight
Cop: Do you have any drugs in the car?
Me: Absolutely not. Trust me, I’ve looked.
4yo: You have wrinkles.
My Friend: Those are pillow indentations.
Me: But you have them every day.
Friend: I sleep every night.
Order a pizza then act confused when it arrives. “A delivery for Aaron? Aarons DEAD. He DIED ordering a pizza in this house 10 years ago”
This isn’t a bathroom. Go outside if you have to do that. GET THAT OUT OF YOUR MOUTH. Help me help you.
-talking to drunks & puppies
To air is humane, to forgave, divide.
Typo quota for the day.
FYI – when your pilot says “we’ll be on the ground shortly” fellow travelers don’t appreciate it when you loudly add “one way or another.”
next level snooze
I move your wet panties to one side and, very gently, manage to fit another pair of socks on the radiator.
A salesman knocked on my door today.
“Who currently provides your Internet?” he asked.
I said, “My next door neighbour.”
I presented pragmatic, irrefutable facts and felt confident I made my case, but my dog would have none of it.
Missed my workout yesterday which makes it four years in a row
Ninjas owed people money. You don’t get that good at hiding without owing people money.
Why do all the famous lady ghosts have all these salacious stories fueling their haunt? I promise If I’m a famous lady ghost when I die, I’m not going to steal your man or your baby. I’m just going to pet your dog.
my cousin went to pride years ago and threw up on someone on a ferris wheel- fast forward 10 years, him and his husband were talking about pride and his husband told him a story about when he was thrown up on at pride- my cousin threw up on his husband 5 years before they met
Betrayal Treasury, Age 5:
Instead of ice cream after my tonsillectomy, a lime popsicle, the texture of which I do not enjoy.
Telling my wife I’m taking her someplace fancy is my way of getting 4 hours to myself while she gets ready.
You have to be careful with people. You give someone the wrong look and they’ll tell you their whole life story.
Me: I have lots of black pants because they are so versatile and go with everything.
Also, me: I cannot wear that yellow shirt with black pants because I will look like a bumble bee.
I helped a little old lady at the market today.. She was too short to grab a box of cereal from the top shelf, so I stood on her shoulders!