“I am inspiring” -Russian guy who’s about to get kicked out of his spy ring
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My IUD provides me with 99% birth control effectiveness, but my husband’s dirty socks on the floor comes in at an impressive 100%.
My wife complains that I never open the car door for her, but when I do she’s all, “Stop it, you’re driving too fast! We’re on a bridge!”
People who drink green tea, what’s the matcha with you?!
honestly? my therapy dog gives terrible advice
ROBIN: sorry batman I put a huge dent in the batmobile
HARVEY: *from passenger seat* wow i’m on a diet ok
My husband has been gone for 6 months. He’s on his 4th tour of Ikea.
When I die, I’m going out the same way I came in. By accident.
The elevators aren’t working and I work on the 10th floor.
I just may become the first person ever to call in sick from the security desk.
before u buy that mascara online ask urself if u really want 2 new emails a day for the rest of ur life
COP: Tell me what you saw
ME: Jersey Boys
COP: *sighs* at the crime scene
ME: No, at the theatre
Next time someone knocks on your bathroom stall say “Sorry, I’m with a client.”
My 5 stages of grief:
1.
2.
3.
4.
5. Are you gonna eat that?
It’s the man who is supposed to be getting up to make the coffee in the morning. It’s even in the Bible under “Hebrews.”
If they’re right about the Mayan calendar and the world ends next week, I’m cool with that because the people whom I love know I love them.
Also, it means I don’t have to fix up this freaking house any more
Brit friend: Ugh. Brexit is a disaster. How are things over there?
Me: We”re in a ketchup war with Canada.
wife: What would you do if one of the boys told you he was gay?
me [trying to find the remote] Ask him if he’s seen the remote
I knew a guy who came so fast it traveled through time, like he’d squeeze one boob and the jizz splattered my mom in 1955
Quarantine, day 14. Me and my boyfriend spent the whole day setting up an art gallery for our gerbil.
What wine goes well with two ungrateful teenagers, an oppressive boss and insurmountable credit card debt?
You ever released wind at the bank and accidentally deposited loose change?
Michael Cera forgets to do laundry and has to wear a doctor costume to the hospital. He’s too shy to refuse people and performs 3 surgeries.
me: how much for the dog bouquet
girl walking dogs: what
My husband just bought us a cooking class for date night. Subtle.
Not to brag but I’m never late for work without a good reason. For example this week my boss is on vacation…
sorry you tried to win an argument while i was wearing a sundress
Like a good neighbor
State Farm and I haven’t ever spoken.
It may snow in Atlanta so I just bought 47 loaves of bread and now I’m headed out to the interstate so I can get stranded in a good spot.
Area 51? I thought we were all gonna storm Forever 21.
Female body types:
Pear
Apple
Hourglass
Stick
Platypus bill
Wormhole
Googly eye
Knives
Abyss
Wife: I told you not to buy the kids a trampoline.
Me: I didn’t
[bounce]
Me: buy the kids
[bounce]
Me: a trampoline.
[bounce].