“10 Things I Hate About You” is my favorite movie that sounds like a bitter Buzzfeed article
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I’m literally crying
I have no idea what Steampunk is except that it must be healthier than Fried Punk.
I accidentally rubbed ketchup in my eyes, now I have Heinz sight
“You’re saying it’s all an act?
Chewbacca: Indubitably, my good man.
Laughing far too much 🤣🤣🤣
[Stranded after plane crash]
Me: We need to choose which one of us to eat firstHim: omg this is cray cray
Me: ok that was easy
Would bet there’s a math equation that can tell how many kids a person has by measuring the amount of Cheerios on the floor of their car …
My preschooler talks a lot of trash when we play Chutes and Ladders for someone who needs help counting his spaces.
Dance like you’re not the father
Her: *firing a stun gun at my head*
Me: *screaming* No! I said “I like brain TEASERS”
– Then use a paw of oregano and a tooth of salt
-Are you kidding me? How much is a ”paw”?
-You say ”a pinch ” all the time and nobody asks. Figure it out. You’re the 5 star chef, n’est pas?
I have bad fight or flight instincts. Guy wants a fight in an elevator, I try to run. Truck heading straight at me 45 mph, let’s do this bro
A few strategically placed “and shit’s” can really spice up your online dating profile (ie: “I’m attentive and shit…passionate and shit.”)
Wait. We’re now saying *yesty* for *yesterday*? Who decides these things?
Johnny: Frankie said we gotta unload all these pocket watches tonight and I dunno if we can do it.
Fat Sam: [opening door to hypnotist’s convention] Don’t worry about it. I got an idea.
Sometimes I think we are capable of great things as a species, but then I notice how many people can’t put their shopping cart away.
Older single ladies,
Older single ladies,
Older single ladies,
Older single ladies,
Older single ladies,
Now put your cats up!
My astrological sign is KFC gravy
ANAESTHETIST: Count backwards from 100
ME: 100..99..98ME: ..3..2..1..um [looks round] now what?
ANAESTHETIST [muffled] You have to find me
I’m tired of being the strong one. I want to be a noodle.
My doctor said I look pretty & I am taking that as her professional medical opinion no take backsies
I won a chocolate bunny at the carnival but it was a hollow victory.
Two submissives sitting in a tree.
N O T H I N G
Sorry I romantically ran a seagull feather across your lips.
Me: Should I measure this in miles or kilometers?
Scientist: It doesn’t matter right now just pick something.
Me: What do you mean just pick something??
Scientist: Desperate times call for desperate measures.
*raises the last pack of toilet paper to the sky like Simba*
[first day as a hairdresser]
customer: can you take off a foot?
me: *sharpening axe* no problem
Firing squad leader: Any last words?
Me: I’d like to thank my arms for always being by my side haha
Firing squad leader: ok we’re gonna somehow try to kill you twice
Woman in grocery line: oh are you buying rice and beans for Coronavirus?
Me: No, I’m buying rice and beans because I’m Mexican.
News said how hard it’d be to shoplift a turkey.
Amateurs. It’s all about commitment.
*stuffs turkey under shirt*
*whines that back hurts*