Me: *reciting passage from The Satanic Bible*
Them: You idiot, what have you done? You WOKE the devil!
Lucifer: Intestines are just water slides for your poop
You Might Also Like
[at the animal shelter]
Volunteer: This cat would do best going to a quiet home with no children.
Me: Can I go with her?
A dollar doesn’t go as far as it used to.
Dollar (out of breath): Screw you.
Watching Celebrity Jeopardy must be stressful for the people who run the charities. Imagine missing out on $30,000 because Christopher Meloni doesn’t know his state capitals.
Everyone asks me when I’m gonna start a family but no one asks me when I’m gonna stop a family
Me: We’re well stocked with the necessities, let’s not waste food
What my kids hear: Yayy let’s eat, every hour, like it’s a cruise buffet
Kid: Are you going to keep using weird Easter words today?
Me: Eggs-actly.
Kid: Stop!
Me: Egg-cellent idea.
Kid: Not another peep!
Me: Nice.
Pro tip: If you keep a glass of wine in each hand you can’t accidentally touch your face.
I’ve been meaning to give my car a thorough cleaning, so I think I’ll leave a bottle of hand sanitizer on the dash and tempt fate.
dreams are fun because I go to sleep a full-grown adult then spend 8 hours terrorized by my high school locker combination
Sam Skoronski
@SamSkoronski
Lovers of board games and card games are going to love my exciting new combo, cardboard games.
The British are coming! Get ready! Oh wait they’re coming by boat. We have like three months
[showing my chiropractor the scene where the robot stretches Mr. Incredible and fixes his back]: This. I want this.
I took a BEFORE picture of my living room, and then I set a timer for 30 minutes. The AFTER picture looked the same?? 🤔
(mcdonalds drive thru employee hands me bag) wow that was fast. you must’ve made this before
me: [walks into a darkened room of people holding hands around a table] what are you guys doing
psychic: *whispers* seance
me: ance
Everything that my lip balm is, I want to be.
Rich, Hydrating, and Age-Defying.
Husband: I emptied the dishwasher.
Me: Great work, honey! Maybe you could try it again when it’s clean.
Nine: There’s safety in numbers
Seven: *ties napkin around his neck*
Sorry I called you “sexy” and didn’t really mean it, but I was hungry and you were a mirage of pizza.
Why is it always big, scary houses that are haunted?
It’s never “oh my god, don’t go into Kevin’s efficiency apartment, there’s a ghost in there!!!”
Girls are shit with birthday gifts you’ll hint for a Rolex all year & she’ll turn up with a jar that’s filled with 22 things she loves about you lol
Sundries sounds like something grandma would call scandalous underwear
no my tattoos do not have any meaning i am simply a child putting permanent stickers all over myself<3 stop asking pls
If the US admits that Trump’s presidential campaign is a hoax then Australia will come clean about the platypus.
In a house with 1,000 bathrooms your kid will only be willing to use the one you’re in, there is nothing you can do to prevent this
IRS: hey time to do taxes guess how much you owe
Me: i don’t want to guess can you just tell me
IRS: …
Me: hello?
IRS: i’m thinking of a number between one and jail
My Phone autocorrected “wish you were here” to “wish you were beer” and I sent it anyways
Yeah sex is pretty good but have you ever successfully started a conga line?
I wonder about the people who unfollow after one day. What were they expecting, Louis C.K.?
Wait!! There’s a box??? 😂😝
The first rule of fight club is: you do not tell mom that I let you watch fight club, kids