My brain doesn’t sea typos until I’ve already hit send.
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ME: hey did u get my letter?
HER: No
ME: weird, my carrier penguin should’ve made it by now
HER: You mean carrier pigeon?
ME: lol what
[first day of zoology class]
me: what fighting style do geese use?
professor: excuse me?
me: pandas use kung fu, what about geese
professor: i don’t think-
me: tae swan do
me: what do you want from me
wife: a divorce
me: i meant for christmas
When I lay all my cards out on the table, people be like “Damn, where you get all them cards?”
“Dad can we get a puppy?”
“No but we can get a submarine if you like?”
[2 hours later 3000m beneath the pacific]
“dad I should be at school”
My boss is coming to my grandad’s funeral tomorrow.
He said, after his 3 previous funerals he personally wants to see him go in the ground
Is this waiter flirting with me because they just handed me a piece of paper that says ME N U
Her: Isn’t she your girlfriend?
Me: No, No, No, I broke up with her two days ago. She just hasn’t checked her voice mail yet…
[inventing jazz]
a
me: what if music w
s
l i
k e
t
h
i s
If you pretend you’re skimming you can straight up throw rocks at people.
That was the most exciting race between two stationary vehicles I have ever seen. #GreaseLive
*gets whistled at, but by traffic cop
Exterminators: The only profession in which you put yourself out of business by being really good at your job.
On some level I’ve always known that caterpillars drink dewdrops. But I never sat down to think about it while crossing the street before.
The dollar tree has motion sensor Christmas ornaments that blast jingle bells in case your family doesn’t already hate you…
ME: *tiptoes quietly out of the house alone at 3am* *drives 20 miles into the countryside* *goes into a cave and walks a mile through a series of tunnels* *enters a lead-lined room* *quietly opens a packet of crisps*
MY DOG: *ears prick up*
Here’s how I gained 27Ibs of muscle in 5 weeks:
Lying.
{the invention of maple syrup}
So, Jacques, have you ever sucked a tree?
If you say “NO YOURE UNDER ARREST” the cop legally has to get in the back of your car.
I don’t usually cry from onions, but this one’s story is so inspirational.
People are all wanting a Morgan Freeman voiceover on their GPS. And I’m over here wanting Donald Duck.
never time travel on an empty stomach. I’m painfully learning that “food safety” wasn’t always a thing
No thanks, free health assessment. I don’t want to know what I’m doing to my body
It creeps me out when my dog watches my wife and I have sex. We hide the videotapes, but he always finds them.
Magneto: Curses! How did you find my secret lair? Telepathy? Satellites?
Wolverine: every compass in town is pointing at you, bro, how do you not know this
did you know the official veterinary term for your cat eating something it shouldn’t is “dietary indiscretion” which absolutely sounds like a cat politician trying to downplay its irresponsible past
[my last day as a transplant surgeon]
Oh, my bad! I thought you said “kid knees.”
A minute, 45 seconds.
How long I’ll hold my hands under a restaurant faucet before I finally realize it’s not motion activated.
Signs you’re a full fledged adult:
• You choose restaurants based on the availability of parking
• You pay attention to the weather now
• You have at least one mole you’re keeping an eye on
• You have a favorite stove burner
• You don’t give af what’s “cool” anymore
When a black guy pulls a knife on me on the subway I remind him he doesn’t have to feed into racial stereotypes. Then I usually get stabbed.